The Truth has Set me Free...

...and I think its time for me to write about it, now that I can without crying. I spent lunch today reading a journal that I've been keeping for many years titled "For my Precious Child". In this journal are many entries regarding adoption, the times we thought we might be getting a baby, the times we obviously didn't and things fell through and the many times when I just knew I was finally pregnant and the disappointment that I endured through each episode.

I kept it here in my desk at work and recently decided that it was time to take it home and put it away. I was done making entries because the war is over, not the one in Iraq but the one with infertility that raged inside of me for way to many years. I am an open book with most of the things in my life but there are many parts of this war that I went through on the inside and tried not to share with the world. It was a battle that was not mine to fight, the bible specifically says that the battle belongs to the Lord, to cast my cares upon Him because He cares for me. Yet, I fought anyways and throughout the fight I became physically, socially, mentally and spiritually exhausted. I couldn't deal with other people's pregnancies and in fact missed enjoying my sister being pregnant with my nephew because I was so far into my own deep dark place that I couldn't see how it might be hurting her. Baby showers were beyond difficult and rarely did I attend because I would mourn for 3 days afterwards because I wasn't having one of my own. There were days when I wasn't sure how I would get to the next day without falling to pieces.

I had no idea who I was without children, I had no idea how I could be a real woman when I couldn't do the one thing I knew women were created for, be fruitful and multiply. This plagued me to the very core of my being and in all honesty there were many times when I waged war on my own because I was so angry and hurt by the continuous disappointment that I wouldn't even go to God for help. Many of my issues with food stemmed from trying to fill a void that in the end only God could fill. My head knew this all along, but it took way to long for my heart to catch up. I was walking in defeat and was dealing with being the conquered instead of walking in the Victory that God promised was mine. Now I choose to be victorious and an overcomer by the Blood of the Lamb and the word of my testimony. I hope that having dealt with all of this and moving forward with my life that in time the food issues will be resolved also but that as you know is another ongoing story, no room for it here.

I am so thankful that God broke thru and never gave up on me. I finally got it. God didn't create women just to be mothers, He also created them to be helpmates to their husbands, to be His daughters and to make a difference in His kingdom. I did a layout not long ago titled "Purpose". Once the revelation that not having children did not make me any less of a wife to my husband settled in my heart, then I began seeking God for purpose beyond what I always dreamed. Not long after this I was told that the bookstore at church was going to be reopening. I used to work at the bookstore and when it closed I basically manned the information booth at church. I was there faithfully, but in reality there wasn't much to the job besides holding up the counter and being a smiling face if anybody had a question. Now the bookstore is back opened and I'm very excited. Now I feel useful and needed and that makes my heart feel warm and purposed on the inside.

I do hope that now that I am on the other side and have declared peace that God will use my experience and my walk through this battle to help somebody else in my same shoes come through it quicker and without as much pain as I suffered. I pray that I cross paths with them at a time when they are open to hearing that God is the only thing that will ever fill that void. Even though I wish I hadn't walked this road and waged this war, I know the lessons learned made me who I am today. I believe that I am a strong God fearing, God loving woman who knows the truth and the truth has set me FREE. God truly does give us a peace that surpasses all understanding. And for that I am eternally greatful. I can't wait to see what else He has in store for me.

It is a freeing to know that infertility will never steal another minute, hour, day, month, year of my life...it is FINISHED!

No change...

...and in opinion that is better than a gain...but I also know its my own doing. Four good days + three bad ones do not make for a loss. Onto a new week and new challenges, but I hope to have some victories and see change next Tuesday, in a positive direction.

Well it's Tuesday and I probably should not even say this, but other than church I have absolutely no plans for the rest of this week!!! Maybe my life really is on the verge of returning to boring and that is the way that I like it. Maybe that will help me be able to focus on eating right and possibly start getting some exercise into my schedule. I think I'll start walking at lunch again several days a week until it gets really hot and miserable. I know busyness is an excuse but its a real excuse a true hindrance to eating healthy when you are always on the go. I plan to cook a good balanced meal for dinner tonight, Thursday night and I'll work on a plan for Friday night also. I really do want to make changes and do them long enough that they become lifestyle, its just been hard to focus with all the other things going on in my life for the past 3 months. But as I sit here realizing that I don't have to do anything but go to work for the next 5 days.....I feel more relaxed than I have in months. Who needs a bubble bath...just give me a week with no obligations, responsibilities or events to plan or prepare for and I'm a happy camper.

We got our new mattress last night. I got into bed and the first words out of my mouth were "i'm back on the cruise ship" and Rocky ever so rudely told me to wake up that I was dreaming, such a killjoy, hee hee. Anyways it is comfortable but in my opinion it seemed like we were both rolling towards the middle. I haven't had a chance to talk to him yet to get his opinion but I'm sure I will later. Hopefully after a week we will adjust, but if not then the other mattress is still at the house and we can swap back if we deem it necessary. If that happens we are going to have to seriously consider a sleep number bed at some point. We should both be able to have our needs met in the bed we sleep in and by this obviously I mean that he likes a firm mattress and I like a softer mattress, so get your minds out of the gutter. I got some new sheets for my birthday and they are chocolate brown and it made the bug to paint my room brown that much harder to ignore. But, I know there are other more pressing projects in our house for this year, so maybe next year our bedroom will get a makeover, but for now red it is and red it shall stay.

I guess that is all for now but it's only 10:20 a.m., there is no telling what other exciting things could happen throughout the rest of this day.

Weekend is over...

....and dang if I don't feel like a cow. I had 4 great days last week, where I felt strong and confident and made heatlhy choices and then came Friday night and Saturday and Sunday...and thankfully its back to Monday and its a new week. Not looking forward to weigh in tomorrow after 2 really bad days, but I guess we'll see how bad it is tomorrow.

We had a nice Easter, church service was short, sweet and moving and then just the two of us went to lunch, it was nice. We spent the rest of the afternoon comparison shopping for a new bbq grill. There are so many options and we want to be sure that we get what we want and get the best grill for the best money within our budget. Hopefully next weekend I'll be grilling steak and veggies on my new grill!

Tonight we are getting our new (to us) mattress and boxsprings. I can't wait! My sister blessed us with hers because he new hubby had a nice king size set that they love, so we get the ones she had and its newer than ours and has a pillow top...can't wait to sleep on it tonight!!

There is a glimmer of hope that I will get to scrap this coming weekend...but I won't know until ASF opens in another hour...have to find out if there is a crop on Friday night! Oh please let there be a crop! I need a crop. Which also means I need to do some gallery surfing so I can get a bit of inspiration.

Good Friday is the Best Friday.

I woke up this morning in awe of my Creator. The love and the desire He has for each of His children, the forethought, the knowing, the plan and eventually the sacrifice He made to assure each one an eternity with Him is awesome. My heart is bubbling over today and I sit here on the verge of tears thinking of all that He's provided through His Son, my Lord, my Savior the one the only who could take away the sins of the world. Jesus you are truly my hero, my Rock, the Alpha and Omega, the Beginning and the End, You are everything to Me. I am so comforted in knowing that in You I am more than a conqueror and that in You I always triumph and that in You, I am an overcomer by the Blood of the Lamb and the word of my testimony.

My heart is overwhelmed by all He was willing to give even if it had been just for me and yet I sit here contemplating the possibility of me learning to love like that? In Ephesians there is a prayer that asks for the saints to have their spirits enlightened to understand the length, width, depth and breadth of His Love for us, there are many many mentions of God being love and even a commandment that we love others as He loves us, and in that itself I have my answer. Yes, it is possible for me to love like that. He would not command us to do something that wasn't possible for us to do, right? 1 Corinthians 13 better known as the Love Chapter also reminds us that there is a way to love as He loved and He provides all the steps and all the information we need to know how LOVE loves, so its a choice, something we can grow into and in fact something He expects from us. I desire to reach the goals He has set before me and that includes walking my walk in love. Join me in reading 1 Corinthians 13 and practice walking it out one step at a time, I'm including a portion of Chapter 13 taken from the Message Bible and it puts plainly all the things that love is and isn't.

Love never gives up.

Love cares more for others than for self.

Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.

Love doesn't strut,

Doesn't have a swelled head,

Doesn't force itself on others,

Isn't always "me first,"

Doesn't fly off the handle,

Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,

Doesn't revel when others grovel,

Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,

Puts up with anything,

Trusts God always,

Always looks for the best,

Never looks back,

But keeps going to the end.

I'll end with that because nothing I could say would be better than what God has to say on the subject. Have an awesome Good Friday...He loves you...so love somebody else!

YIKES...

Easter is in 3 days and I haven't thought a thing about Rocky's Easter Basket....I guess I know what I'll be doing at lunch tomorrow! We have no kids but I love the tradition of making the day a blessing for my husband who I am thankful for in more ways than I could list, but I am most thankful that on that day that we celebrate the resurrection of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ that I know when the day comes that we all reside in heaven my husband will be there with me. It's a great comfort and joy to know that the man that I am spending my life on earth with will also be a part of my forever.

Now I just have to figure out what little happy's I can find to put in his basket!

Two Things (swiped from Kaye)....

JUST TWO THINGS

Two names you go by:.
1. Robin
2. Baby

Two things you are wearing right now:
1. jeans
2. shirt

Two things you would want (or have) in a relationship:
1. trust
2. laughter

Two things you like to do:
1. Read
2. scrapbook

Two things you want very badly at the moment:
1. 24 hours with no commitment, obligation or responsibility
2. to be healthy and thinner

Two things you did last night:
1. go to church
2. eat dinner

Two things you ate today:
1. banana
2. oatmeal

Two people you last talked to:
1. Casey
2. Wendy

Two things you're doing tomorrow:
1. working
2. finishing 2 altered bulletin boards

Two longest car rides:
1. Bremerton, WA to Jackson, MS
2. Jackson, MS to Great Lakes, IL

Two favorite holidays:
1. My birthday
2. Christmas

Two favorite beverages:
1. Diet Coke w/lime
2. Water

Two things about me that you may not have known:
1. i have strange "texture" issues when it comes to food
2. i freak out when i have to speak publicly but i was in 2 plays my senior year of high school...weird i know

Two jobs I have had in my life:
1. taco bell
2. phone/computer operator

Two Movies I would watch over and over:
1. 13 Going on 30
2. How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days

Two Places I have lived:
1. Hawaii
2. New Mexico

Two of my favorite foods:
1. Shrimp, lobster, crab legs
2. All things mexican

Spring???

It sure didn't feel like it when I walked outside this morning to go to work. In fact it is a good thing that its spring break and there is only about half the normal traffic or I'd have been late because there was ice on my windows. So, I cranked up the green machine and went back inside for about 10 minutes. Supposedly by this afternoon it should be feeling more like spring, I guess we'll have to wait and see.

Well, I have now made it through 2 days of healthy eating with no overeating. Yesterday I had a banana and oatmeal for breakfast, soup (didn't like it), few saltines and applesauce for lunch and then had a California Classic with Country Potato soup at McAlister's at dinner. All in all I felt good about the day and went to bed with no guilt regarding food. This is a definitive step in the right direction. I'm somewhat watching calorie, cholesterol and fat intake, but not being overly obsessive about it. My goal is to truly do what I know to do and live like I need to live forever without a bunch of rules, regulations and restraints that I have to pay attention to and will eventually return to old habits because I tire of the hassle. So as I said I'm loosely watching those areas and basically making healthier choices and eating average to small portions. And I FEEL GOOD about it.

Well, so far its a quiet day at work and probably will be for the rest of the week, its kind of a skeleton crew and that always makes for pleasant days. Nothing much on the agenda for today, but if I think of anything else I may post more later. If not then I hope that everybody has a beautiful and fun first day of SPRING.