Guess what this is about?

WEIGHT!  Of course it is, what else would it be about?  Well, on some level its about weight, but really its about an overall change in my thinking, my eating, my life in general.   

God is really showing me that He loves me exactly how I am and that I have to choose to love myself.  What gives me the right to be so hard on myself, to beat myself up, to berate me, to talk down about me, to make jokes and most of all to be content hiding in the shadows because I'm ashamed of myself and how I look.  God created me in His image, granted my lousy choices have skewed the image, but not in His eyes, He still sees me thru the blood of my Lord and Savior Jesus!   His blood has washed me clean and removed all of those things that I hold against myself.   

My goal for 2013 is to love me and in doing so I believe loving me will faciltate me wanting to take care of the me that I love.   I am not gonna talk about the actual process or what I plan to work on or towards, weight loss is not necessarily the goal, loving Robin is the goal and weigh loss will be a product of reaching the goal I feel has been set before me. 

I'll check in soon to record how its going and where my head and heart is regarding me, myself and I!  

Here I go again....but not on my own....

If I had a dollar for every time I have started over on my weight loss journey I would have been rich a long time ago.   I'm actually reminding myself that to start over means that I had to have quit and I will never quit.  I have taken quite a few wrong paths but am thankful to have always found my way back to THE RIGHT PATH.  So, yes, I took a bunny trail for a short time and thankfully that only netted 1 pound gained and not 20.  In my opinion there is always a silver lining inside of every cloud and that is my silver lining for this short hiatus.

Ever had one of those horrible dreams where you woke up thankful that you were in your bed in your house and not actually living that bad dream?  Well, I unfortunately lived one of my worst dreams ever this past weekend.   Let me back up many years ago and start there.  I was at the Mississippi State Fair and decided I was going to ride one of the fair rides and honestly I do not even remember which ride that was because the embarrassment and humiliation that came from that decision blocked out everything else.   I was too BIG to ride the rides at the state fair.  I hung my head in shame and walked away destroyed and defeated by my own bad decisions and lifestyle.  I made the decision on that day to never put myself in a place to feel that way again.  Fast forward to the present.  I have lost 100 +/- pounds in the past 12 years or so, that has gone up and down more times than I care to admit, but at  present I am still almost exactly 100 pounds down from my highest weight.   I admittedly still have a long way to go.  Now, back to the story, we took our youth group to Baton Rouge to a Water/Amusement Park this weekend.  I wanted so badly to fit in and feel like part of the group that I made the decision with great hesitation to ride one of the rides with several of our girls.  My heart was racing, my face was smiling, I was going to do it.  I got on the ride, and I fit in the seat!  This was a joyous 90 seconds and then the attendant came around to check to see that all was well.  I did not realize there was a strap that had to be buckled and low and behold I was told that I could not ride the ride, the safety strap had to buckle and it would not fit around me.  In all honesty I wanted to dig a hole in the concrete below me, sink into it and disappear.  I got off that ride and began what felt like the worst walk of shame I had ever endured.  As I made that walk, I had a choice to make and that small still voice of the Holy Spirit spoke on the inside of me and simply said...the choice before you is life or death.  Choose LIFE!  Choose to be motivated and inspired and not defeated and destroyed.   I choose LIFE!  I will return to that water/amusement park next year and I will ride every water slide and amusement ride that I so badly wanted to ride this year!   I choose LIFE!  I will not stand on the sidelines of my life and watch everybody else enjoy all the things that I want to enjoy alongside them!  I choose LIFE!  Long LIFE! Healthy LIFE!  Fun LIFE! 

So when that moment knocks on your door and you know that you are facing one of your greatest fears, remind yourself that God did not give you a spirit of fear, but power, love and a sound mind!  I am more than a conqueror and God says that I always triumph in Christ Jesus! 

Thanks for loving me, lifting me up  and not tiring of my having to get back on track way to often.

So far, so good...

Though, I have chosen not to get on the scale until Friday morning I feel really good about my first two days back on the wagon.  It's amazing what a serious attitude adjustment will do for a really bad frame of mind.   I have walked for 2 days in a row.  I'm taking today off but will go to the gym tomorrow and Friday after work.   My goal is to make myself go out onto the gym floor and do some strength training even if there are people there (these are the moments that I miss Curves).  The women's locker room has cardio equipment inside, so I don't have to venture out for cardio unless I want to.  I've decided I am going to look at the situation differently.  I am not going to focus on what people are thinking about me weight, I'm going to focus on the inspiration I will become to them when they see me reaching my goals and becoming, healthier, stronger and more physically fit.  Pray that I don't chicken out, the first steps are hard, but usually after the first step the next ones are a bit easier. 

It was good therapy for me to write out a list of my skinny girl dreams.  One of them actually helped remind me this morning while I was driving and fighting the craving for a sausage cheese biscuit....my seat belt was driving me crazy at just the right moment and it was a great "light bulb" moment.  That sausage cheese biscuit is only good for 10 bites and then its gone and the guilt sets in and the seat belt gets tighter!  That is not the future I see for the skinny girl inside!  That is what I call an NSV (non scale victory).

 Robin - 1   Food - 0

DREAMS of the Skinny Girl Hiding inside of me!

I read a quote last week by a former Biggest Loser contestant and it really hit a nerve and stuck with me.  It literally has rolled around on the inside all weekend long. 

"Giving up on your dreams is a commitment to failure."  Team this up with one of my other favorite quotes by Jillian Michael's herself which is "Why choose failure when success is an option?" and you have a lot of deep thinking and soul searching going on. 

As I pondered on these thoughts I found myself sitting back and thinking of all the things that could be different if the skinny girl inside of me finally escapes the seemingly never ending cycle of up and down weight loss and gain.  I woke up with a new determination and new focus to help the skinny girl find her way to freedom.  I realize only I can make the changes to make my dreams come true, but thankfully God will walk with me and beside me thru this life change and He promised to never leave or forsake me.

Please know that these thoughts are not a pity party, these are legitimate things that go on inside my head on a daily basis, part of who I am and don't want to be anymore and I am not looking for anybody to feel sorry for me, truly I am just looking for accountability and encouragement to fight the good fight and never give up trying to reach my dreams.   I am shooting for the moon and don't care to land amongst the stars...I am choosing to choose SUCCESS!  Stand with me, pray for me and love me as I take some time to work thru the kinks and change my life in a very positive way!  The bible tells us that we can choose life or death, but we should choose LIFE!

 Dreams of the Skinny Girl hiding inside of me...

• buying clothes off the rack of any store
• seat belts that fit correctly without being manipulated
• ability to wear a seat belt in all cars, not just some makes and models
• enjoying a day at the water park without shame and embarrassment
• being comfortable in movie theater seats
• para sailing
• canoeing
• white water rafting
• playing softball again
• underclothes that fit like they are supposed to
• taking pictures without trying to hide behind everybody else 
• picture taking without having to find the best angle for my face not to look fat
• 5 mile hike at Cade's Cove in Gatlinburg
• bike riding
• running a 5k (not walking)
• not choosing the handicap bathroom stall because the others feel to small
• feeling beautiful even if nobody tells me I am
• speaking in front of people without wanting to crawl under the podium because I feel like a cow
• not dreading going to the doctor because I know what they are thinking even if they don't say it.
• wearing a pretty dress and semi high heels for elegant night on a cruise and being comfortable and confident doing so.
• not needing a seat belt extender on an airplane
• not wanting to hide in the locker room at the gym
• changing clothes in the gym and not doing it in the bathroom stall (not that i would necessarily but i'd like to be comfortable doing so if i did)

That's all for now, but I'm certain over time more things will surface and will be added to this list of DREAMS that I have for myself. 

Proverbs 31:26

"When she speaks she has something worthwhile to say,  and she always says it kindly."

This morning has been eye opening and a bit hard to handle.   I am not accustomed to having my feelings hurt or hearing somebody say something about me that isn't positive.  In fact I couldn't tell you the last time it happened.  I actually heard it said and wow, I'm much more comfortable  with God's gentle reminders of areas that need some attention than I am with people pointing them out so blatantly.  

Wake up call?   Yes, indeed it was.  In truth what was said was clearly true and God has dealt with me in this area on more than one occasion and maybe hearing it come from somebody else was what it took for me to see that this particular issue was being seen by somebody besides God.   This was all the more real to me because of the message that Pastor Les presented to our students last night.   It was all about not having compartmentalized lives.   We should be the same person in every aspect of our lives.  I needed to see that the way I'm seen in this persons eyes are not the person I want to be.  I have repented, I will choose not to be offended especially since I can see how my actions and words could definitely be interpreted to be exactly what I was accused of being...yup, I know you want to know so here I go will confess that " I am a Complainer".

Lord, help me I don't want to be, I want to be a woman who speaks things that are worthwhile and spoken in kindness. I want to be a vessel of encouraging words that lift people up and make a difference in God's kingdom.   Father, I choose to make an adjustment to be more aware and to guard my tongue.  Help me to catch myself and change my way of seeing and thinking before I spout of words that are not good and pure and holy.   Thank you Father for sending Jesus so taht I can be forgiven and that I am capable of forgiving the one who hurt my feelings and walking in love instead of offense.    In Jesus name I pray, AMEN!

Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it NOT...

What happened to the days where I complained because we never really had a cold winter?  I want those days back.  I never used to be cold and now it seems like the only time I'm not cold is in this hot office (that has not had a/c since last April and is a dreary musty smelling basement) and when I'm in my bed with the heated mattress pad turned on.   Anyways, apparently after the small bout with an ice storm last week looks like we are in for about 2 to 3 inches of snow this evening.  I know that many people are very happy about this and in all reality I don't mind it as long as I don't have to work late and miss Match 38 tonight.  

DNOW was a week and a half ago and it was an awesome experience.  I saw God moving in the hearts and lives of teenagers in a way I had never experienced.  It was life changing for me and I truly believe for many of them also.  I see a twinkle in some of their eyes that I hadn't seen before. God is faithful and I am very excited about seeing where things go from here.  God's plans will be walked out in their lives and I love being part of it.   I was very blessed to have been ministered to along side our students by Kari Jobe & Ben Pirtle.  They are both amazing and gifted ministers that ushered in the presence of God in a way that was tangible.  It was truly amazing and Kari pointed out something that made me look at their generation differently, they are a very "real" in your face, honest group of students, and when that is harnessed and used for God's purposes its going to be a danger zone to the enemy!  How exciting to realize that the way they are and the things that are different from our generation are meant for such a time as this!  They will change their world for the kingdom one reality at a time! 

This experience has also convinced me that it is also time to jump on the summer camp bandwagon and just go for it.  It is totally out of my comfort zone but I think its important if I'm encouraging them to go that I go with them.   Rocky loves it, the kids love it and they are convinced that I will love it too.  I'll let you know about the 2nd week of July. 

That's all for this entry, I may be back later if more random things pop into my head to share.

What an adventure....

Goodness it has been a super busy week.  For one I'm working a full 5 day work week, been a while since that happened with holidays and furlough days.   My schedule just seems like it keeps going and going and going....I'm beginning to feel like the energizer bunny.  I have been on "go" since I got out of the bed on Sunday.  It's all been fun stuff and definitely worth my time. 

Now I'm gearing up physically, mentally & spiritually for my first DNOW experience.   A whole weekend with the Match 38 High School Girls.  I am believing God for changed hearts and therefore lives.  I'm asking God to use me, to keep me settled and sure of all that I say and do during this time of fun, fellowship and ministry.   I want to be a vessel used by Him and desire to make a difference in my world.  Lord, help me to know when to speak and when to be still and quiet.   I choose to be led by You and for my eyes to be on Your purposes and plans for the lives of these students.  I hope to see bonds formed amongst the girls and friendships strengthened that will last a lifetime.  Most of all I want to see them giving of themselves completely to their Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.  

If you are reading my blog I ask that you pray with me as we venture into this weekend and hopefully an amazing time of fellowship with God our creator!