I am copying and pasting an excerpt written in my blog on January 15, 2009. Mostly because in the past few weeks God has been showing me even more in this area of my life. The peace is amazing, the contentment with my life has been a joy and I am so thankfuly that God loved me and guided me thru some very rocky years to get me where I am today and even more thankful that he isn't done with me yet.
"Now, with that said, my brain has always seen "40" as the year that would be the end of my pursuit. I do not know why this was such a thought in my head, but it has been as long as I can remember. I honestly have never been one to put God on a time schedule, but for some reason it almost gave me a form of peace to know that at "40" I could move on and just let it go. God has something else in mind......I am so very thankful that in October 2006 God healed my heart to a point that I spent 2 years walking in His never ending grace and mercy and was no longer at war with my infertility. He was faithful to show me life was good, my husband is awesome and the love we have for each other was something to celebrate. It was time for us to live our life and not continue to wallow in despair, discontent and disappointment. We had always had a great marriage, he was always supportive and strong for me thru this process but this healing made everything even better. I was able to appreciate him and not take him for granted, I was able to see life outside of the bubble I lived in. Most of all, I was able to be truly and completely happy for friends who were pregnant and having babies. It was like being born again...again. I was constantly thankful for the "peace" I was walking in. Thru this time I was so happy not to be crying all the time that I also got a bit lax about my walk. I was so busy living the life that I had put on hold for so long because of the "what if i get pregnant" syndrome, that I was also a bit stagnant in seeking Him first. Not to be interpretted as I wasn't going to church or that I was out partying or acting like a heathen, but I was not reading and praying as I should. I look back now and can see that it was as if I was avoiding something else going on.
Fast forward to the fall of 2008. Virtuous Women's ministry was starting a new Bible Study, called "Kissed or Dissed". Subject matter: rejection. In all honesty, I never would have looked at myself and consider myself to be somebody who had issues that were related to rejection. Yet, God began to move on my heart that I really needed to attend these meetings and apparently He wanted to be sure that I was listening because our Pastor's wife also made sure that I knew I needed to be there. I had no idea what I was in for. I had no clue how many things and issues in my daily life stemmed back to my feeling rejected at some point in my life. Before the very first session was over I came to a very dark stark realization of something I did not want to face. I tried to sugar coat it, I tried to ignore it, but in the end what I did was suddenly have a 300 pound weight of GUILT on my shoulders. I didn't want to go back, I didn't want to dig deeper, I did not want to rock the boat, I was enjoying the "peace" that I was walking in. Thank God for His grace and His mercy and that it is new every morning. He gently guided me to face head on the biggest rejection issue I had ever hidden from........ The "peace" I had walked in was a farce, it was His grace and His mercy that allowed me to move on, allowed me to live the life I had put on hold for so long. Do not get me wrong I am beyond grateful for grace and mercy, they were my lifeline, but they were just the beginning. God knew me so well and loves me so much that He met me where I was and allowed me to move forward even though He knew that my heart was not truly completely healed. So, the big secret, the one I've not really even shared or discussed except with a very select few was simple.....I moved on because I had accepted that I had been REJECTED by GOD as a mother. Can you imagine the shame and guilt that came with that realization? I have been a Christian for 18 years and for the last 10.5 of those years have come to know that my God is a good God, yet I allowed the devil to put such a horrible thing into my heart and did not recognize it for what it was...a LIE from the pit of hell. God sent His Son to die for me and I know that I know that He would have done it if I had been the only one to accept Him. I know all the right things, I know the word, I know the truth, I accept it as real in my life, yet I was still so easily decieved. But, God, oh my, so forgiving and loving, again my salvation, my strong tower in my time of trouble, He brought me through it and walked it with me. I worked thru the bible study, went to the meetings, was beginning to see my significance and that God had not rejected me, would never reject me and that He loved me, I am His favorite. Yet, even though all of this was being worked out in my life and thought process there was still the guilt from accepting the lie. I didn't know how to get rid of it. I had asked forgiveness over and over, I had made it clear to God that I knew who He was and how He loves with all that He is, but still I was not able to get away from the dark cloud of guilt. Again, my hero knew and loved me enough to meet me where I was. One Sunday morning out of nowhere Pastor had a word of knowledge that somebody had a great spirit of guilt and that God wanted to remove it. I stood there for a moment and was unable to make my feet move forward, it was only 4 steps, hello we are on the front row. I did finally make way to that line and when he laid his hands on me, I knew that what I had to do was FORGIVE MYSELF. It was the missing piece of the puzzle. That analogy stands true for so many things, I had all the other pieces, but that one thing kept my puzzle from WORKING to its full ability. Now, I truly know what it is to walk in God's peace in this area of my life. I believe the desire for a child will be something that is always present, but I am so thankful that it does not control, consume or bring me grief any longer. I am free from the bondage of disappointment and despair."
Several weeks ago on Pastor Appreciation Sunday, a wonderful man of God was up and speaking to honor our pastors, when he was done, he came to Rocky and I and encouraged us that God was saying that "even now, even now God had not forgotten us and our dreams and desires were being manifested". My heart liked to have lept out of my chest, considering you just read the excerpt of my blog that I posted at the beginning of this year, you are aware of all that God has done in my life and the changes that have come because of it. I feel free, I am living my life and a side affect of this change is that I have come to care about myself and my self confidence is increasing. I have started taking care of myself and am eating better, exercising and seeing positive change in my body because of it.
I noticed while reading my past post that what I failed to mention in that last paragraph was that even though I was in this great place and walking in peace and content with my life....that as long as there is breath coming from this body I will never give up the hope (expectation of a future certainty) that God will bless us with a child. That desire is alive and well its just not the only thing I live for, think of or focus on. Life moved forward because it had to, but the genuine faith on the inside of me, because I have confidence in my God and His promises will never cease to exist, HOPE IS ALIVE IN ME.
I guess I felt the need to say it, considering our service this morning was titled "True Faith Speaks". Pastor has been preaching and teaching on True Faith for the past 4 services. It never hurts to have your mind renewed in this area. To be reminded that there is a true faith and a fake faith. As it was so eloquently said this morning, "Fake faith talks about the problem, Genuine true faith, speaks to the problem". I was also reminded that on more than one occasion God speaks to us in His word about standing strong, holding fast to the confession of our faith and not wavering. It was revelation to see that if our faith always worked immediately God wouldn't have seen the need to tell us to hold fast to the confession of our faith, or when you've done all you know to do - STAND. He is so faithful to speak exactly what we need when we need it and my heart is greatful. It was refreshing to be reminded that just because we don't see it come to pass in our time frame doesn't mean it won't come to pass. He is faithful to peform His word.
My life is so different because of all that He has taught me, showed me and prepared for me. It's overwhelming how He has the capacity to love me unconditionally despite all the mistakes I've made.
Pretty much, I just wanted to share what He's doing, how He's growing me and how I am continually in awe of WHO HE IS. So, keep your eyes open and your ears prepared because the day will come when you will here that we are going to be parents. I refuse to limit God, I refuse to put an age on when or how it will happen, but I also refuse to ever give up. Failure only comes if I quit believing! When Jesus was asked by a man to come to his daughter who was dying, He made some stops along the way, the man must have been frantic, yet Jesus was calm and ministering to the people. Some people came to tell the man not to bother the Master because his daughter was dead. Jesus immediately spoke to the man and said..."Do not doubt, ONLY BELIEVE". He then went with the man, and the little girl was raised from the dead. Obviously Jesus knew what He was talking about when He told the man, to only believe. All things are possible to those who believe!!
I think this was probably all over the map, but it was in my heart and I really felt the need to put it out there, even if I'm the only one to read it. When you look at me and see the twinkle in my eye, you'll be able to tell my sweet child one day, that they were always a twinkle in my eye!!
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Still busy with facebook but thought I'd update since I had my weigh and measured day at Curves yesterday. I am now down 34 pounds and have lost a total of 31 inches. My BMI and body fat are both dropping! So excited to be getting healthy and feeling better about myself!