Monday, March 31, 2008

I love WW...

...and I just remembered why....I can have 5 Hershey's Mini Special Dark bars for only 4 points!! With no guilt!!

Okay, so now that I'm done jumping up and down, I can say that I officially rejoined WW online this morning and I've not been so excited or positive about weight loss in a while...I did pretty good for about 6 weeks at the beginning of the year, but I had no plan and sadly any project without direction is doomed to failure. Now that my eyes have been opened to that I am really excited.

We had a really nice weekend. I got to scrap on Friday night and did 2 single page layouts and all but the title on a double page layout. I need to take pictures so I can upload them on here. It was so nice to scrap just for fun, it seems like its been forever since I had.

We got a new grill this weekend and its HUGE. We went all last year without one, so we'd been working towards a new one and had enough to get a nice one. I'm tickled and the steaks and grilled veggied I cooked on Saturday night were so fine. Tonight I'm doing grilled chicken breast (healthy...yes?). Also going to have Velveeta Light Shells & Cheese and baby lima beans. I'm determined to do a lot more cooking now that I'll be making healthier choices and have a new grill. It's much easier for me to make good decisions when I eat at home. So my goal is to eat at home at least 5 out of 7 nights (Sun, Mon, Tues, Thurs, Friday) then the other 2 nights and Sunday lunch will be depending on the day. We always eat McAlister's on Wednesday but I can make good choices there (although they don't have nutritional info available, I try to guestimate).

Nothing much more exciting going on at the moment other than as usual the clock is not moving fast enough to suit me. We have to go grocery shopping this evening but hoepfully that won't take very long.

Well, I reckon that's all for now......stay tuned for pictures of layouts soon....

Friday, March 28, 2008

Swiped this one from Stephanie's Blog...

78 words">Speed test

Fun Time Friday!

I love Fridays! I thought it was time for a "just because" post. I think I've been way to "deep" in thought this week and though my posts were thought provoking, I'm in the mood for fun today. Unfortunately I have to be at work, but that's okay too, because well, it's Friday and that means the weekend is upon us.

I am sooooo very excited. Those of you who know us and our "yard" issues every year, will understand when I say that it is the end of March and my grass has already been cut 2 times!!

In 1998 we bought our brand new double wide mobile home and 2.64 acres to go with it. We were so excited to be land owners. We had no idea what we were getting into. Neither of us are "outside" people. Well, this was the beginning of what turned into quite a few years of distress. We had an old riding lawn mower we got from my dad, it was not very big and it took 3 hours to cut the part of the land that we were actually calling our yard. It was crazy. We ended up about 2 years later purchasing a larger mower to cut our time back some. Not to mention we had also cut the size of what we were calling our yard in half and letting the other part be overgrown.

Well during this process we also figured out that we were living in what we now call "Soggy Bottom" (got that from "Oh Brother Where Art Thou"). Our land is low lying and well you can probably figure out from our special name for our homestead it holds water horribly. It never failed that the months of March & April would be very wet ones. Therefore, by the time it dried out our yard looked like an overgrown field. It was horrible, all of the neighbors had pretty green well manicured yards and there was us...ugh. About 5 years ago our lawn mower bit the dust. We hired a guy to start cutting the yard. He was fabulous and it relieved some stress, but he didn't start coming till after the wet season, so we still had the issue of being overgrown. Then 2 years ago he decided to join the railroad and quit doing lawn care, that was a very sad day for us. He had spoiled us badly with his great care of our yard. We did find another man to take up where he left off and he cut it the spring/summer of 2006 and spring/early summer of 2007. About midsummer last year we decided it was time to buy a new mower and put that $100/month towards something that we'd at least own when it was over. (Are you bored yet?)

So, July 0f 2007 we purchased a nice shiny new red riding mower. I love it, it has cruise control and its mine! It was a great decision and I know it now more than ever. Having our own mower meant that when the grass started growing that I could cut the grass, not all of it, because there are a few soggy spots, in fact the first time I cut it I got stuck in the mud and Rocky had to rescue me and my pretty red Toro, but last night I cut it again and managed to get all but one small corner cut down to size. This might seem like a minor thing to some, but it is something that brought great stress on me every year, so for me it is truly something to be excited about.

Now....onto today, it's Friday, hopefully will be a nice quiet day at work and maybe the time will go by quickly and then I GET TO SCRAP!! It has been way to long since I was able to scrap just for the sake of scrappin and I can't hardly wait. I will be doing it just for fun, no projects for anybody else, just me! Please clock move fast!

Hope everybody else has a great Friday, I'm going to do my best to make mine a Fun Time. God Bless and have a fabulous weekend...I'm starting Weight Watchers tomorrow, so hopefully I'll have a good testimony on Monday on what a great weekend I had.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

The return to what works...

....and here's to hoping that I will work it. Yup, you are reading it here first, I, Robin Garrard, am returning to Weight Watchers.....*sigh*. I do not know why I fought this decision, maybe because it is the not the first time that I've walked away and found myself returning and I suppose that is my pride. Admitting that walking away was a wrong decision and that I in fact am not infallible, not that I think I am, but we all know how pride goes before a fall and well I've fallen and have not been able to get back up. Yesterday I ate literally to the point of being miserable and when I did it, I KNEW I WAS DOING IT! What is wrong with that picture? I know what is wrong with the picture....ME.

The bible tells us that without a vision the people perish. Well, then He says to "write the vision". Okay, so I've had the vision of seeing myself Fabulous by Forty...but what I have I done about writing the vision. I've played with this plan or that plan and one of them even actually worked for about 6 weeks earlier in the year, but again with no true vision of where I am going and what I'm doing I always end up right back where I started...FAT AND MISERABLE.

A dear friend gathered her guts and stood up to me and my situation this morning. Pointed out that there was a time when I was truly an inspiration and not because of what I was saying but because I was walking in victory. I was dedicated and successful and in fact she is now doing WW and loving it and being successful herself. She bluntly reminded me that I had done it before and that she was concerned that if I didn't return to it that not just my physical health was at stake but my mental health was at stake. She was serious, real and to the point yet not confrontational, condeming or judgemental. Her words spoke volumes to my heart and got my attention and for that I am truly thankful and if you are reading you know who you are and I love ya for it.

I was going through some old emails today as I was cleaning out one of my personal folders and came across one where my signature line said..."Nothing tastes as good as SKINNY feels" and it made me sad to realize that I was so close to getting there and let circumstance and things in my life pull me back to food. I want to be there again, I want to have that same feeling of success and victory and looking in the mirror and liking the person looking back at me and its not just about vanity, its about feeling good and having self esteem because I'm successful and so although I have not discussed the expense of it with my husband yet, I am certain he will say its okay, I will be rejoining WW online as soon as they send me an email where I can skip the registration fee again (the plummer depleted the budget yesterday, sigh), my friend is going to get me a points counter on Saturday morning so I can go ahead and get started that day and our weigh in will be the same day. She goes to meetings and personally that is just not my cup of tea, I feel out of place and like a wallflower and like my money is going down a deep dark hole just for me to stand on a scale in front of somebody else, I can do that at home in front of my husband for free.

So there ya have it, me on a new leg of my journey, I consider this post me "writing the vision", because now there is a plan in place one that I know works and I'm getting more excited by the moment and it's a good thing since that countdown clock gets closer to my 40th birthday.

Please don't get tired of my journey, stick with me, I'm determined to get where I'm going in one piece and all of your encouraging comments help more than you know. Soon I'll be boring you with posting my food and points again so there is accountability. You can obviously skip reading those if you so choose to.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

The Truth has Set me Free...

...and I think its time for me to write about it, now that I can without crying. I spent lunch today reading a journal that I've been keeping for many years titled "For my Precious Child". In this journal are many entries regarding adoption, the times we thought we might be getting a baby, the times we obviously didn't and things fell through and the many times when I just knew I was finally pregnant and the disappointment that I endured through each episode.

I kept it here in my desk at work and recently decided that it was time to take it home and put it away. I was done making entries because the war is over, not the one in Iraq but the one with infertility that raged inside of me for way to many years. I am an open book with most of the things in my life but there are many parts of this war that I went through on the inside and tried not to share with the world. It was a battle that was not mine to fight, the bible specifically says that the battle belongs to the Lord, to cast my cares upon Him because He cares for me. Yet, I fought anyways and throughout the fight I became physically, socially, mentally and spiritually exhausted. I couldn't deal with other people's pregnancies and in fact missed enjoying my sister being pregnant with my nephew because I was so far into my own deep dark place that I couldn't see how it might be hurting her. Baby showers were beyond difficult and rarely did I attend because I would mourn for 3 days afterwards because I wasn't having one of my own. There were days when I wasn't sure how I would get to the next day without falling to pieces.

I had no idea who I was without children, I had no idea how I could be a real woman when I couldn't do the one thing I knew women were created for, be fruitful and multiply. This plagued me to the very core of my being and in all honesty there were many times when I waged war on my own because I was so angry and hurt by the continuous disappointment that I wouldn't even go to God for help. Many of my issues with food stemmed from trying to fill a void that in the end only God could fill. My head knew this all along, but it took way to long for my heart to catch up. I was walking in defeat and was dealing with being the conquered instead of walking in the Victory that God promised was mine. Now I choose to be victorious and an overcomer by the Blood of the Lamb and the word of my testimony. I hope that having dealt with all of this and moving forward with my life that in time the food issues will be resolved also but that as you know is another ongoing story, no room for it here.

I am so thankful that God broke thru and never gave up on me. I finally got it. God didn't create women just to be mothers, He also created them to be helpmates to their husbands, to be His daughters and to make a difference in His kingdom. I did a layout not long ago titled "Purpose". Once the revelation that not having children did not make me any less of a wife to my husband settled in my heart, then I began seeking God for purpose beyond what I always dreamed. Not long after this I was told that the bookstore at church was going to be reopening. I used to work at the bookstore and when it closed I basically manned the information booth at church. I was there faithfully, but in reality there wasn't much to the job besides holding up the counter and being a smiling face if anybody had a question. Now the bookstore is back opened and I'm very excited. Now I feel useful and needed and that makes my heart feel warm and purposed on the inside.

I do hope that now that I am on the other side and have declared peace that God will use my experience and my walk through this battle to help somebody else in my same shoes come through it quicker and without as much pain as I suffered. I pray that I cross paths with them at a time when they are open to hearing that God is the only thing that will ever fill that void. Even though I wish I hadn't walked this road and waged this war, I know the lessons learned made me who I am today. I believe that I am a strong God fearing, God loving woman who knows the truth and the truth has set me FREE. God truly does give us a peace that surpasses all understanding. And for that I am eternally greatful. I can't wait to see what else He has in store for me.

It is a freeing to know that infertility will never steal another minute, hour, day, month, year of my is FINISHED!

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

No change...

...and in opinion that is better than a gain...but I also know its my own doing. Four good days + three bad ones do not make for a loss. Onto a new week and new challenges, but I hope to have some victories and see change next Tuesday, in a positive direction.

Well it's Tuesday and I probably should not even say this, but other than church I have absolutely no plans for the rest of this week!!! Maybe my life really is on the verge of returning to boring and that is the way that I like it. Maybe that will help me be able to focus on eating right and possibly start getting some exercise into my schedule. I think I'll start walking at lunch again several days a week until it gets really hot and miserable. I know busyness is an excuse but its a real excuse a true hindrance to eating healthy when you are always on the go. I plan to cook a good balanced meal for dinner tonight, Thursday night and I'll work on a plan for Friday night also. I really do want to make changes and do them long enough that they become lifestyle, its just been hard to focus with all the other things going on in my life for the past 3 months. But as I sit here realizing that I don't have to do anything but go to work for the next 5 days.....I feel more relaxed than I have in months. Who needs a bubble bath...just give me a week with no obligations, responsibilities or events to plan or prepare for and I'm a happy camper.

We got our new mattress last night. I got into bed and the first words out of my mouth were "i'm back on the cruise ship" and Rocky ever so rudely told me to wake up that I was dreaming, such a killjoy, hee hee. Anyways it is comfortable but in my opinion it seemed like we were both rolling towards the middle. I haven't had a chance to talk to him yet to get his opinion but I'm sure I will later. Hopefully after a week we will adjust, but if not then the other mattress is still at the house and we can swap back if we deem it necessary. If that happens we are going to have to seriously consider a sleep number bed at some point. We should both be able to have our needs met in the bed we sleep in and by this obviously I mean that he likes a firm mattress and I like a softer mattress, so get your minds out of the gutter. I got some new sheets for my birthday and they are chocolate brown and it made the bug to paint my room brown that much harder to ignore. But, I know there are other more pressing projects in our house for this year, so maybe next year our bedroom will get a makeover, but for now red it is and red it shall stay.

I guess that is all for now but it's only 10:20 a.m., there is no telling what other exciting things could happen throughout the rest of this day.

Monday, March 24, 2008

Weekend is over...

....and dang if I don't feel like a cow. I had 4 great days last week, where I felt strong and confident and made heatlhy choices and then came Friday night and Saturday and Sunday...and thankfully its back to Monday and its a new week. Not looking forward to weigh in tomorrow after 2 really bad days, but I guess we'll see how bad it is tomorrow.

We had a nice Easter, church service was short, sweet and moving and then just the two of us went to lunch, it was nice. We spent the rest of the afternoon comparison shopping for a new bbq grill. There are so many options and we want to be sure that we get what we want and get the best grill for the best money within our budget. Hopefully next weekend I'll be grilling steak and veggies on my new grill!

Tonight we are getting our new (to us) mattress and boxsprings. I can't wait! My sister blessed us with hers because he new hubby had a nice king size set that they love, so we get the ones she had and its newer than ours and has a pillow top...can't wait to sleep on it tonight!!

There is a glimmer of hope that I will get to scrap this coming weekend...but I won't know until ASF opens in another hour...have to find out if there is a crop on Friday night! Oh please let there be a crop! I need a crop. Which also means I need to do some gallery surfing so I can get a bit of inspiration.

Friday, March 21, 2008

Good Friday is the Best Friday.

I woke up this morning in awe of my Creator. The love and the desire He has for each of His children, the forethought, the knowing, the plan and eventually the sacrifice He made to assure each one an eternity with Him is awesome. My heart is bubbling over today and I sit here on the verge of tears thinking of all that He's provided through His Son, my Lord, my Savior the one the only who could take away the sins of the world. Jesus you are truly my hero, my Rock, the Alpha and Omega, the Beginning and the End, You are everything to Me. I am so comforted in knowing that in You I am more than a conqueror and that in You I always triumph and that in You, I am an overcomer by the Blood of the Lamb and the word of my testimony.

My heart is overwhelmed by all He was willing to give even if it had been just for me and yet I sit here contemplating the possibility of me learning to love like that? In Ephesians there is a prayer that asks for the saints to have their spirits enlightened to understand the length, width, depth and breadth of His Love for us, there are many many mentions of God being love and even a commandment that we love others as He loves us, and in that itself I have my answer. Yes, it is possible for me to love like that. He would not command us to do something that wasn't possible for us to do, right? 1 Corinthians 13 better known as the Love Chapter also reminds us that there is a way to love as He loved and He provides all the steps and all the information we need to know how LOVE loves, so its a choice, something we can grow into and in fact something He expects from us. I desire to reach the goals He has set before me and that includes walking my walk in love. Join me in reading 1 Corinthians 13 and practice walking it out one step at a time, I'm including a portion of Chapter 13 taken from the Message Bible and it puts plainly all the things that love is and isn't.

Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
Love doesn't strut,
Doesn't have a swelled head,
Doesn't force itself on others,
Isn't always "me first,"
Doesn't fly off the handle,
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn't revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.
I'll end with that because nothing I could say would be better than what God has to say on the subject. Have an awesome Good Friday...He loves love somebody else!

Thursday, March 20, 2008


Easter is in 3 days and I haven't thought a thing about Rocky's Easter Basket....I guess I know what I'll be doing at lunch tomorrow! We have no kids but I love the tradition of making the day a blessing for my husband who I am thankful for in more ways than I could list, but I am most thankful that on that day that we celebrate the resurrection of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ that I know when the day comes that we all reside in heaven my husband will be there with me. It's a great comfort and joy to know that the man that I am spending my life on earth with will also be a part of my forever.

Now I just have to figure out what little happy's I can find to put in his basket!

Two Things (swiped from Kaye)....


Two names you go by:.
1. Robin
2. Baby

Two things you are wearing right now:
1. jeans
2. shirt

Two things you would want (or have) in a relationship:
1. trust
2. laughter

Two things you like to do:
1. Read
2. scrapbook

Two things you want very badly at the moment:
1. 24 hours with no commitment, obligation or responsibility
2. to be healthy and thinner

Two things you did last night:
1. go to church
2. eat dinner

Two things you ate today:
1. banana
2. oatmeal

Two people you last talked to:
1. Casey
2. Wendy

Two things you're doing tomorrow:
1. working
2. finishing 2 altered bulletin boards

Two longest car rides:
1. Bremerton, WA to Jackson, MS
2. Jackson, MS to Great Lakes, IL

Two favorite holidays:
1. My birthday
2. Christmas

Two favorite beverages:
1. Diet Coke w/lime
2. Water

Two things about me that you may not have known:
1. i have strange "texture" issues when it comes to food
2. i freak out when i have to speak publicly but i was in 2 plays my senior year of high school...weird i know

Two jobs I have had in my life:
1. taco bell
2. phone/computer operator

Two Movies I would watch over and over:
1. 13 Going on 30
2. How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days

Two Places I have lived:
1. Hawaii
2. New Mexico

Two of my favorite foods:
1. Shrimp, lobster, crab legs
2. All things mexican


It sure didn't feel like it when I walked outside this morning to go to work. In fact it is a good thing that its spring break and there is only about half the normal traffic or I'd have been late because there was ice on my windows. So, I cranked up the green machine and went back inside for about 10 minutes. Supposedly by this afternoon it should be feeling more like spring, I guess we'll have to wait and see.

Well, I have now made it through 2 days of healthy eating with no overeating. Yesterday I had a banana and oatmeal for breakfast, soup (didn't like it), few saltines and applesauce for lunch and then had a California Classic with Country Potato soup at McAlister's at dinner. All in all I felt good about the day and went to bed with no guilt regarding food. This is a definitive step in the right direction. I'm somewhat watching calorie, cholesterol and fat intake, but not being overly obsessive about it. My goal is to truly do what I know to do and live like I need to live forever without a bunch of rules, regulations and restraints that I have to pay attention to and will eventually return to old habits because I tire of the hassle. So as I said I'm loosely watching those areas and basically making healthier choices and eating average to small portions. And I FEEL GOOD about it.

Well, so far its a quiet day at work and probably will be for the rest of the week, its kind of a skeleton crew and that always makes for pleasant days. Nothing much on the agenda for today, but if I think of anything else I may post more later. If not then I hope that everybody has a beautiful and fun first day of SPRING.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

1 Good Day &...

....355 to go. Yesterday was a good day. I did not overeat, I made good choices at each meal and I was STARVING, but I got through the day. When I overindulge for weeks on end it usually takes a good 4 to 5 days for my body to realize that I'm really not starving it.

I had oatmeal for breakfast, a salad from Wendy's, 1 serving of chocolate teddy grahams for a snack and then for dinner I diced a boneless skinless chicken breast seasoned with fajita seasoning and some sliced new potatoes. I saute'd the chicken and potatoes in frying pan using butter flavored pam and added about 1/4 can of rotel tomatoes. When it was done cooking I sprinkled a tad of parmesan cheese and voila I had a nice tasty low calorie/low fat meal.

Today has started well already, I had oatmeal and a banana for breakfast. I went shopping for healthy stuff last night, so that will make it easier. Although I wish that McAlister's had nutrition information available for their menu. We always eat there on Wednesday night and I have no idea what my best option would be. Probably turkey on wheat? Oh fun, its hard enough to decide each time I go what I want, now I have to figure out what is healthiest, I guess I'll have a salad.

Nothing much going on today, just work and then church this evening. I'm chomping at the bit to get to ASF and spend some of my gift certificate that I got for my birthday, thanks M&D. I hope the sale doesn't end before I can get there, but we shall see. I keep hoping that soon I'll have time to plan for a Friday night crop, but I can't see that far ahead yet...maybe it can happen sooner than I think. I just want to SCRAP!

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

On the road again....

....are ya'll tired of the same old song? I am but nonetheless I am on it. I did manage not to gain any weight this week, not exactly sure how I managed but I'm not complaining. So today is the first day of the rest of my life, isn't it nice that every day can be "that day", that God's mercy is new every morning and that His grace is truly sufficient for me. I am so very thankful that He doesn't give up and that with His Spirit living on the inside of me, I can never give up. I will keep fighting this fight and continue working towards my goals. According to that pretty little countdown clock over to the right I have 356 days left to get there. So today is as good as any to get started.

We did go get half of our grocery shopping done last night. We buy our meat at Kroger cause well, its just better than walmart. So we got that done last night and they had their boneless skinless chicken breasts for $1.87/pound, I was excited about that, I love chicken and can't wait to figure out some fun healthy ways to cook it. Rocky doesn't really like chicken, but I have come to the conclusion that most of the time he's not even home so why does it matter if he likes it or not, if I'm really cooking for myself? I can buy pork chops and chicken and fix him a chop and me chicken and voila...I have chicken and he doesn't. Sheesh...can somebody tell me why it took over 16 years to figure that out? Oh well, at least I've figured it out, that's what matters.
Tonight I'll go to Walmart and finish the shopping for all the other things we need. I know nobody probably really cares about my shopping but I'm bored so well I'm rambling in my blog, so if your bored ---- click the "X"!

I have a word for the week:

MODERATION - the quality of being moderate; restraint; avoidance of extremes or excesses; temperance.

Not only is this my word but it is also my focus. So for the rest of this week I am going to focus on avoiding excess and extreme amounts of food or unheatlhy items. Maybe having a focus will help me stay on track and see some progress this week.

So here I go off and running and hopefully doing something different will bring a different result, does that mean I'm moving beyond insanity?? Cause we all know insanity means to do the same thing over and over again and expect a different result. So if I do something different and expect a different result that must mean I'm bordering on being reasonably sane..RIGHT??

Monday, March 17, 2008

Weekend Roundup....

.....Friday night was pre-wedding girl night. The guys went to eat at Sal & Phil's and apparently had a good time. We (Wendy, Dawn, Dawn, Mom & Me) hung out and did girlie stuff at Wendy's house. We ate yummy sandwiches w/chips & dip, then enjoyed snacking on cheese, crackers, grapes and chocolate covered strawberries. Then we watched as Wendy colored and highlighted Dawn's hair and did her fingernail and toenails. We had a spa night with parafin wax for our hands and nice relaxing candles...we had stuff for our feet but never got around to doing that, I guess we were to relaxed to go to the trouble. Anyways we had a great time and all was well even after Wendy got out the "hacksaw"...which she used to make the stems even on the beautiful flowers that she braided together with ribbon.

The wedding went off without a hitch. It was simple and beautiful. Dawn was glowing and gorgeous. I'd love to say I got a lot of great photos, but in reality...I DID NOT. Ack. Oh well, I guess I'll wait till we have professional ones to look at, thank God she had a professional or it would be really a bad scene right now. I did get a few good ones of them shoving cake in each others face and got a good one of the flowers that Dawn & Hannah carried down the aisle and I got a good one of the cake. So it's official they are legally man & wife, Mr. & Mrs. Salters. Woo hoo...way to go Dawn & Todd...CONGRATULATIONS & BEST WISHES!!

Okay so does she look 13 to you??? They grow up way to fast, and it doesn't help that she is wearing makeup now and 5'7"!!!

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

The day after....

...and I still don't really have a plan. I know that my goal is to drop 10% of my weight and to focus strictly on that at this moment. My intention is to shop for healthy items at some point this weekend and to make healthy choices, to eat less and move more. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

I had a nice 10 day long birthday. As you have likely read my friends threw me a nice party on the 1st, then I had lunch with a few friends on the 7th, then dinner with the inlaws on the 8th, during the weekend I started feeling pretty crummy and woke up on my birthday feeling awful and thinking that I had pink eye. It ended up not being pink eye, just cold symptoms in my eye, its still a bit icky but my better than it was.

I have to verify it with my mom but I think we may be rescheduling the family dinner thing for Sunday lunch, it will be a record I will have managed to continue my birthday celebrations out for over 2 weeks time. Go me. I usually shoot for at leat 1whole week.

I want to say thanks to those of you who read my last post and knew how I felt and had words of comfort, understanding and encouragement to share with me. Knowing that somebody else looks at my situation and can be inspired by my walk is helpful in keeping me focused on going the right direction. It often makes the rough path worth it to know it helped somebody else along their own path.

Make a choice for your wedding sis????

This is your 1st page of your wedding album also...not necessary the 1st in the album, just the 1st one that is completed.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Time for change...

....and no I'm not talking about the fact that we spring forward this weekend.

This post might very well be the most difficult thing I've ever written for anybody else to see and yet I hope maybe it will be a key to unlocking the insanity of my food addiction(doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result).

I am a food addict and feel like a failure. And now what do I do with that and where do I go from here....there was a time in my past that I even tried a 12 step program and it was so not right for me, so in reality I know where I go from here, the only place where I can truly get the help I need, the One, the Only, My Creator. I am thankful that His Grace is sufficient for me.

I know that with God all things are possible and that my biggest problem is not calling on Him when the food is calling to me. When I find myself surrounded and overwhelmed by situations I need to get to a place of running to my Heavenly Father and not to the food. When food is part of an equation I have to find a way to rely on Him to be my strength so that I can overcome eating to much or to often. I don't just run to food when I'm upset or sad or angry, I run to food when I'm happy and celebrating and have even been known to celebrate weight loss with food. Where in the world does that make sense? It doesn't...I know...I'm aware and yet, I find myself doing it again and again.

Disclaimer: As I go forward I want everybody to know that my Faith in Him and His reality, His love, His forgiveness and His sacrifice for me is real and true and deep seeded within me, but that as I work through this there are realities within me that sometimes question my worthiness, not His

I believe that a large part of my problems is that I have very little self esteem and very little faith in myself and my abilities to succeed. Maybe that is why my faith in this area is so uncertain. My head knows that He'll never leave or forsake me, but I feel so guilty and unworthy when I fall that its hard to keep running back to the foot of the cross for the same issue over and over again. My heart continues to wonder if I'll be the one to push Him to far. My head knows the truth, knows that the word says He's forgotten it once forgiven, its in the sea of forgetfulness, but yet, still there it is, very real and very much a part of who I am in me. I know the answer to the question is to know within my heart that its not who I am in me that matters, but who I am in Christ, that is who He sees when He looks at me. Not my failures or my inabilities to stay focused on my heatlh and weight issues, God looks at me and sees the beauty of what He created through the blood of His Son. But knowing this and finding comfort in it within myself are 2 different stories.

I was watching Biggest Loser last night and the contestants had returned to the hospital to be retested for all the things they had done when they began their journey 10 weeks ago. It was amazing to see how much their health had improved. I have been fortunate with my weight and have not really had a lot of health issues, but how long can that last? How long before there is a real issue and its my fault because I couldn't figure out how to change my lifestyle for the long term? The doctor speaking to the contestants said something to them that really grabbed a hold of me and its something I've always wrestled with and the simple fact is that after the loss there has to be maintenance. This is not something I can take an antibiotic for and it will make me all better. This is a lifetime battle and apparently I have yet to figure out how to accept that its forever and not just a year. My goal is to reach a place where I am comfortable in my own skin and can do anything I want to do. I want to have ambitions beyond my next meal. I want to be successful and feel like my life has not been wasted on food and feeling sorry for myself because of food. I want there to be something to show for the life I lived and since there are no children it's up to me to create my own legacy. That means feeling good about me, having energy and a desire to get up off the couch and go out and greet the world head on and see what I have to offer.

How do I get there? What can I do to change things, how do I wrap my mind around food not being my companion. How do I stay focused beyond the next event where food is the focus. I need answers and I hoped that writing all this down and posting it for the world to read would help but at this moment I still don't know the answer. I want to feel good, I want to want to eat healthy, I want to want to exercise. I remember what it felt like to go shopping and find clothes that I liked that fit right, yet it didn't last long. When I got to that place the "maintenance" was forgotten. It became easier and easier to slide back into old habits and end up right back where I started from...fat and lazy. I don't want to be "that me" anymore. And, yet, I can't seem to find the way to change and its frustrating. The struggle and the battle is exhausting and when I get tired and frustrated....I EAT. I find myself lately not even being hungry yet eating out of boredom yet not having the energy to get up and do anything. Even my house is suffering because of the downward spiral into food being my first and last thoughts of every moment.

I will be praying and seeking God again to help me find a way to overcome and triumph over this longtime enemy. If only I could walk away from it completely. I quit smoking many years ago because I could walk away, but with food it is a necessity to sustaining life. Maybe that is why liquid diets work so well, you drink for sustenance and live your life. Yet, I know that can't last forever and then you still have to learn to exist with food as part of your life again during the maintenance phase.

My birthday is this coming Monday, my goal has not changed, I desire to be Fabulous by Forty, I will have a solution and will see change by my 40th birthday which is just over 1 year away, keep reading, keep praying and I need all the encouragement you have to offer as I begin again the journey in the right direction.

My doctor told me in September that 1/4 of the battle is not giving up, even when you are down as long as its on your mind and you still have a conscience regarding your weight and health you are 25% better off than the ones who just don't care. So caring and wanting to change do count for something. I am determined and therefore I will find a way to WIN and have the VICTORY. Thanks for being out there and loving me beyond my quirks. God bless you all.

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

It's almost my birthday.... on Saturday night family and friends gathered to celebrate. We had amazing food and fun fun times. Lots of love and laughter, and gifts of course there were gifts...must find time to make some thank you cards and get them in the mail so that all of my nearest and dearest know how much I appreciate them.

My cake, oh my goodness my cake, if there are any other Bop's Snappy Turtle lovers out there, you are about to be drooling. Yes, you read it here Bop's is now doing ice cream cakes and theirs actually have cake in them....oooohhhhhhhhh aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh and yes my Birthday Cake was a Snappy Turtle, it was absolutely awesome, if only I had remembered to take the remainder of it home with me I could have added a few more pounds to what I've already gained. Therefore, I guess its a good thing that Mark & Wendy are enjoying the rest of it and not I.....*sigh*.

They also had a fabulous wonderful exciting delightfully perfect surprise for me. A very dear friend who due to some difficult circumstances had been a bit estranged, but to my extreme pleasure was present at my birthday party. I want to say openly how much it meant to me for her to attend and make my birthday even more special than it already was. Donna I love you!

I also want to say thanks to all of my guests for the gifts, the food, the love and all that you add to my life on a daily basis. I am honored to have the best parents ever, a sister who keeps me on my toes and of course the lovely Toddly who is almost my brother in law (less than 2 weeks to go), Wendy who is the little sister God gave me from another momma and her husband Mark, and lastly but definitely not least...Dawn and Jeff and they know what they mean to me, cause well I think its pretty obvious and of course to my amazing loving husband who is always the life of my party in every way possible. You are all a blessing to me and I can't imagine my life without any of you ---- so don't go anywhere!

It was a night of precious moments and priceless memories.