Time for change...

....and no I'm not talking about the fact that we spring forward this weekend.

This post might very well be the most difficult thing I've ever written for anybody else to see and yet I hope maybe it will be a key to unlocking the insanity of my food addiction(doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result).

I am a food addict and feel like a failure. And now what do I do with that and where do I go from here....there was a time in my past that I even tried a 12 step program and it was so not right for me, so in reality I know where I go from here, the only place where I can truly get the help I need, the One, the Only, My Creator. I am thankful that His Grace is sufficient for me.

I know that with God all things are possible and that my biggest problem is not calling on Him when the food is calling to me. When I find myself surrounded and overwhelmed by situations I need to get to a place of running to my Heavenly Father and not to the food. When food is part of an equation I have to find a way to rely on Him to be my strength so that I can overcome eating to much or to often. I don't just run to food when I'm upset or sad or angry, I run to food when I'm happy and celebrating and have even been known to celebrate weight loss with food. Where in the world does that make sense? It doesn't...I know...I'm aware and yet, I find myself doing it again and again.

Disclaimer: As I go forward I want everybody to know that my Faith in Him and His reality, His love, His forgiveness and His sacrifice for me is real and true and deep seeded within me, but that as I work through this there are realities within me that sometimes question my worthiness, not His

I believe that a large part of my problems is that I have very little self esteem and very little faith in myself and my abilities to succeed. Maybe that is why my faith in this area is so uncertain. My head knows that He'll never leave or forsake me, but I feel so guilty and unworthy when I fall that its hard to keep running back to the foot of the cross for the same issue over and over again. My heart continues to wonder if I'll be the one to push Him to far. My head knows the truth, knows that the word says He's forgotten it once forgiven, its in the sea of forgetfulness, but yet, still there it is, very real and very much a part of who I am in me. I know the answer to the question is to know within my heart that its not who I am in me that matters, but who I am in Christ, that is who He sees when He looks at me. Not my failures or my inabilities to stay focused on my heatlh and weight issues, God looks at me and sees the beauty of what He created through the blood of His Son. But knowing this and finding comfort in it within myself are 2 different stories.

I was watching Biggest Loser last night and the contestants had returned to the hospital to be retested for all the things they had done when they began their journey 10 weeks ago. It was amazing to see how much their health had improved. I have been fortunate with my weight and have not really had a lot of health issues, but how long can that last? How long before there is a real issue and its my fault because I couldn't figure out how to change my lifestyle for the long term? The doctor speaking to the contestants said something to them that really grabbed a hold of me and its something I've always wrestled with and the simple fact is that after the loss there has to be maintenance. This is not something I can take an antibiotic for and it will make me all better. This is a lifetime battle and apparently I have yet to figure out how to accept that its forever and not just a year. My goal is to reach a place where I am comfortable in my own skin and can do anything I want to do. I want to have ambitions beyond my next meal. I want to be successful and feel like my life has not been wasted on food and feeling sorry for myself because of food. I want there to be something to show for the life I lived and since there are no children it's up to me to create my own legacy. That means feeling good about me, having energy and a desire to get up off the couch and go out and greet the world head on and see what I have to offer.

How do I get there? What can I do to change things, how do I wrap my mind around food not being my companion. How do I stay focused beyond the next event where food is the focus. I need answers and I hoped that writing all this down and posting it for the world to read would help but at this moment I still don't know the answer. I want to feel good, I want to want to eat healthy, I want to want to exercise. I remember what it felt like to go shopping and find clothes that I liked that fit right, yet it didn't last long. When I got to that place the "maintenance" was forgotten. It became easier and easier to slide back into old habits and end up right back where I started from...fat and lazy. I don't want to be "that me" anymore. And, yet, I can't seem to find the way to change and its frustrating. The struggle and the battle is exhausting and when I get tired and frustrated....I EAT. I find myself lately not even being hungry yet eating out of boredom yet not having the energy to get up and do anything. Even my house is suffering because of the downward spiral into food being my first and last thoughts of every moment.

I will be praying and seeking God again to help me find a way to overcome and triumph over this longtime enemy. If only I could walk away from it completely. I quit smoking many years ago because I could walk away, but with food it is a necessity to sustaining life. Maybe that is why liquid diets work so well, you drink for sustenance and live your life. Yet, I know that can't last forever and then you still have to learn to exist with food as part of your life again during the maintenance phase.

My birthday is this coming Monday, my goal has not changed, I desire to be Fabulous by Forty, I will have a solution and will see change by my 40th birthday which is just over 1 year away, keep reading, keep praying and I need all the encouragement you have to offer as I begin again the journey in the right direction.

My doctor told me in September that 1/4 of the battle is not giving up, even when you are down as long as its on your mind and you still have a conscience regarding your weight and health you are 25% better off than the ones who just don't care. So caring and wanting to change do count for something. I am determined and therefore I will find a way to WIN and have the VICTORY. Thanks for being out there and loving me beyond my quirks. God bless you all.