The Truth has Set me Free...

...and I think its time for me to write about it, now that I can without crying. I spent lunch today reading a journal that I've been keeping for many years titled "For my Precious Child". In this journal are many entries regarding adoption, the times we thought we might be getting a baby, the times we obviously didn't and things fell through and the many times when I just knew I was finally pregnant and the disappointment that I endured through each episode.

I kept it here in my desk at work and recently decided that it was time to take it home and put it away. I was done making entries because the war is over, not the one in Iraq but the one with infertility that raged inside of me for way to many years. I am an open book with most of the things in my life but there are many parts of this war that I went through on the inside and tried not to share with the world. It was a battle that was not mine to fight, the bible specifically says that the battle belongs to the Lord, to cast my cares upon Him because He cares for me. Yet, I fought anyways and throughout the fight I became physically, socially, mentally and spiritually exhausted. I couldn't deal with other people's pregnancies and in fact missed enjoying my sister being pregnant with my nephew because I was so far into my own deep dark place that I couldn't see how it might be hurting her. Baby showers were beyond difficult and rarely did I attend because I would mourn for 3 days afterwards because I wasn't having one of my own. There were days when I wasn't sure how I would get to the next day without falling to pieces.

I had no idea who I was without children, I had no idea how I could be a real woman when I couldn't do the one thing I knew women were created for, be fruitful and multiply. This plagued me to the very core of my being and in all honesty there were many times when I waged war on my own because I was so angry and hurt by the continuous disappointment that I wouldn't even go to God for help. Many of my issues with food stemmed from trying to fill a void that in the end only God could fill. My head knew this all along, but it took way to long for my heart to catch up. I was walking in defeat and was dealing with being the conquered instead of walking in the Victory that God promised was mine. Now I choose to be victorious and an overcomer by the Blood of the Lamb and the word of my testimony. I hope that having dealt with all of this and moving forward with my life that in time the food issues will be resolved also but that as you know is another ongoing story, no room for it here.

I am so thankful that God broke thru and never gave up on me. I finally got it. God didn't create women just to be mothers, He also created them to be helpmates to their husbands, to be His daughters and to make a difference in His kingdom. I did a layout not long ago titled "Purpose". Once the revelation that not having children did not make me any less of a wife to my husband settled in my heart, then I began seeking God for purpose beyond what I always dreamed. Not long after this I was told that the bookstore at church was going to be reopening. I used to work at the bookstore and when it closed I basically manned the information booth at church. I was there faithfully, but in reality there wasn't much to the job besides holding up the counter and being a smiling face if anybody had a question. Now the bookstore is back opened and I'm very excited. Now I feel useful and needed and that makes my heart feel warm and purposed on the inside.

I do hope that now that I am on the other side and have declared peace that God will use my experience and my walk through this battle to help somebody else in my same shoes come through it quicker and without as much pain as I suffered. I pray that I cross paths with them at a time when they are open to hearing that God is the only thing that will ever fill that void. Even though I wish I hadn't walked this road and waged this war, I know the lessons learned made me who I am today. I believe that I am a strong God fearing, God loving woman who knows the truth and the truth has set me FREE. God truly does give us a peace that surpasses all understanding. And for that I am eternally greatful. I can't wait to see what else He has in store for me.

It is a freeing to know that infertility will never steal another minute, hour, day, month, year of my life...it is FINISHED!