Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Here I go again....but not on my own....

If I had a dollar for every time I have started over on my weight loss journey I would have been rich a long time ago.   I'm actually reminding myself that to start over means that I had to have quit and I will never quit.  I have taken quite a few wrong paths but am thankful to have always found my way back to THE RIGHT PATH.  So, yes, I took a bunny trail for a short time and thankfully that only netted 1 pound gained and not 20.  In my opinion there is always a silver lining inside of every cloud and that is my silver lining for this short hiatus.

Ever had one of those horrible dreams where you woke up thankful that you were in your bed in your house and not actually living that bad dream?  Well, I unfortunately lived one of my worst dreams ever this past weekend.   Let me back up many years ago and start there.  I was at the Mississippi State Fair and decided I was going to ride one of the fair rides and honestly I do not even remember which ride that was because the embarrassment and humiliation that came from that decision blocked out everything else.   I was too BIG to ride the rides at the state fair.  I hung my head in shame and walked away destroyed and defeated by my own bad decisions and lifestyle.  I made the decision on that day to never put myself in a place to feel that way again.  Fast forward to the present.  I have lost 100 +/- pounds in the past 12 years or so, that has gone up and down more times than I care to admit, but at  present I am still almost exactly 100 pounds down from my highest weight.   I admittedly still have a long way to go.  Now, back to the story, we took our youth group to Baton Rouge to a Water/Amusement Park this weekend.  I wanted so badly to fit in and feel like part of the group that I made the decision with great hesitation to ride one of the rides with several of our girls.  My heart was racing, my face was smiling, I was going to do it.  I got on the ride, and I fit in the seat!  This was a joyous 90 seconds and then the attendant came around to check to see that all was well.  I did not realize there was a strap that had to be buckled and low and behold I was told that I could not ride the ride, the safety strap had to buckle and it would not fit around me.  In all honesty I wanted to dig a hole in the concrete below me, sink into it and disappear.  I got off that ride and began what felt like the worst walk of shame I had ever endured.  As I made that walk, I had a choice to make and that small still voice of the Holy Spirit spoke on the inside of me and simply said...the choice before you is life or death.  Choose LIFE!  Choose to be motivated and inspired and not defeated and destroyed.   I choose LIFE!  I will return to that water/amusement park next year and I will ride every water slide and amusement ride that I so badly wanted to ride this year!   I choose LIFE!  I will not stand on the sidelines of my life and watch everybody else enjoy all the things that I want to enjoy alongside them!  I choose LIFE!  Long LIFE! Healthy LIFE!  Fun LIFE! 

So when that moment knocks on your door and you know that you are facing one of your greatest fears, remind yourself that God did not give you a spirit of fear, but power, love and a sound mind!  I am more than a conqueror and God says that I always triumph in Christ Jesus! 

Thanks for loving me, lifting me up  and not tiring of my having to get back on track way to often.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

So far, so good...

Though, I have chosen not to get on the scale until Friday morning I feel really good about my first two days back on the wagon.  It's amazing what a serious attitude adjustment will do for a really bad frame of mind.   I have walked for 2 days in a row.  I'm taking today off but will go to the gym tomorrow and Friday after work.   My goal is to make myself go out onto the gym floor and do some strength training even if there are people there (these are the moments that I miss Curves).  The women's locker room has cardio equipment inside, so I don't have to venture out for cardio unless I want to.  I've decided I am going to look at the situation differently.  I am not going to focus on what people are thinking about me weight, I'm going to focus on the inspiration I will become to them when they see me reaching my goals and becoming, healthier, stronger and more physically fit.  Pray that I don't chicken out, the first steps are hard, but usually after the first step the next ones are a bit easier. 

It was good therapy for me to write out a list of my skinny girl dreams.  One of them actually helped remind me this morning while I was driving and fighting the craving for a sausage cheese biscuit....my seat belt was driving me crazy at just the right moment and it was a great "light bulb" moment.  That sausage cheese biscuit is only good for 10 bites and then its gone and the guilt sets in and the seat belt gets tighter!  That is not the future I see for the skinny girl inside!  That is what I call an NSV (non scale victory).

 Robin - 1   Food - 0

Monday, May 14, 2012

DREAMS of the Skinny Girl Hiding inside of me!

I read a quote last week by a former Biggest Loser contestant and it really hit a nerve and stuck with me.  It literally has rolled around on the inside all weekend long. 

"Giving up on your dreams is a commitment to failure."  Team this up with one of my other favorite quotes by Jillian Michael's herself which is "Why choose failure when success is an option?" and you have a lot of deep thinking and soul searching going on. 

As I pondered on these thoughts I found myself sitting back and thinking of all the things that could be different if the skinny girl inside of me finally escapes the seemingly never ending cycle of up and down weight loss and gain.  I woke up with a new determination and new focus to help the skinny girl find her way to freedom.  I realize only I can make the changes to make my dreams come true, but thankfully God will walk with me and beside me thru this life change and He promised to never leave or forsake me.

Please know that these thoughts are not a pity party, these are legitimate things that go on inside my head on a daily basis, part of who I am and don't want to be anymore and I am not looking for anybody to feel sorry for me, truly I am just looking for accountability and encouragement to fight the good fight and never give up trying to reach my dreams.   I am shooting for the moon and don't care to land amongst the stars...I am choosing to choose SUCCESS!  Stand with me, pray for me and love me as I take some time to work thru the kinks and change my life in a very positive way!  The bible tells us that we can choose life or death, but we should choose LIFE!

 Dreams of the Skinny Girl hiding inside of me...

  • buying clothes off the rack of any store
  • seat belts that fit correctly without being manipulated
  • ability to wear a seat belt in all cars, not just some makes and models
  • enjoying a day at the water park without shame and embarrassment
  • being comfortable in movie theater seats
  • para sailing
  • canoeing
  • white water rafting
  • playing softball again
  • underclothes that fit like they are supposed to
  • taking pictures without trying to hide behind everybody else 
  • picture taking without having to find the best angle for my face not to look fat
  • 5 mile hike at Cade's Cove in Gatlinburg
  • bike riding
  • running a 5k (not walking)
  • not choosing the handicap bathroom stall because the others feel to small
  • feeling beautiful even if nobody tells me I am
  • speaking in front of people without wanting to crawl under the podium because I feel like a cow
  • not dreading going to the doctor because I know what they are thinking even if they don't say it.
  • wearing a pretty dress and semi high heels for elegant night on a cruise and being comfortable and confident doing so.
  • not needing a seat belt extender on an airplane
  • not wanting to hide in the locker room at the gym
  • changing clothes in the gym and not doing it in the bathroom stall (not that i would necessarily but i'd like to be comfortable doing so if i did)
That's all for now, but I'm certain over time more things will surface and will be added to this list of DREAMS that I have for myself.