Tuesday, August 4, 2015

It Was Only Just a Dream.....

Until it wasn't. 

I woke up today thinking - it can't possibly have been a year since I had surgery, but the calendar doesn't lie. I am still in awe every single day that so much about me is new and different and still changing regularly. For a long time I would look in the mirror and it still didn't seem real, but recently I find that when I look in the mirror I don't see the "obese, gross, fat girl" that I always considered myself to be.  In fact, it is interesting that for years I ran from the camera and now I find myself wanting to take pictures all the time.  

These pictures were taken one year apart on July 4th, 2014 & 2015.(Look, I have a jawline!)

Crazy what a difference a year makes.  Not only am I healthier physically I am also healthier mentally and emotionally.  Loving yourself is hard when you can't even stand to look at yourself in the mirror.  Loving yourself is much easier when your whole self image is not warped by hating what you see when you look in that mirror.  I hesitate to say that because I don't consider myself to be "caught up in myself" or to think "I'm all that"  but my perspective is no longer clouded by my own negative thoughts about my appearance.  I never could grasp that what I looked like on the outside was not what other people saw when they looked at me.  They always said "we just don't see you that way" and I always thought "Yeah, right!".   My judgement was so skewed, simple logic would have said, why would people think of you that way when you don't think of others that way.  Again, my vision of me was so messed up.  Thankful that thru the process of considering, preparing and having the surgery my vision is much clearer now. My husband even giggled and smiled recently when I mentioned that none of my clothes fit.  I asked why he was giggling and he said "You have never said those words with a smile on your face."  God has been faithful and true!!

Pictures on the left were taken before surgery and the right were taken 1 year later.

After the surgery I spent quite a few months just adjusting to the new me.  Almost daily in the beginning I would notice little things I could do that I hadn't been able to do in many years.  It still happens even now but not quite as often.  I knew I needed to lose more weight because my goal to be under 200 lbs was still out there.  The dream was hanging out on the sidelines but I really felt like I needed an adjustment period to just enjoy life and figure out this new me.  

In May, I realized I was ready to work towards meeting my goal to finally reach "Onederland".  I determined that I would be 199 before the end of 2015.  Funny, because I have made that decision about 100 times in the past 25 years or so and well I never made.  This time something was different, I was different, it seemed reachable for the first time since I was 18 years old I BELIEVE that with God's help I could commit and finally complete the process to make the dream a reality.  

On May 26, 2015, I began to reach for the dream and am now just 14 pounds from reaching Onederland!   I am beyond excited because I can see the goal line and I am running for the touchdown.  

Keep me in your prayers as I continue the journey.  I saw my doctor yesterday and he has "tweaked" my eating plan a bit because I wasn't getting enough of some food groups that he feels are necessary. I am a bit nervous about the changes because the plan has worked so well and don't want to affect the rate of weight loss but I also trust my doctor to know what is best for my health.  I am okay with the rate slowing as long as it doesn't stop.  I refuse to go backwards ever again.  I am a new Robin (as my best friend Wendy always says) and I really really like her.  

Now just a few more photos because I am still in awe of the fact that I am not repulsed by seeing full body shots of myself!  

Kim &  Robin, August 1, 2015

Kim & Robin, August 1, 2015

Re-posting my list of things I dreamed of doing but couldn't. Some are on my bucket list so they may take a while to accomplish.

Red = completed
Blue = completed since last post
Black = still on list to complete

The dreams of the skinny girl hiding inside of me...

  • buying clothes off the rack of any store
  • seat belts that fit correctly 
  • ability to wear a seat belt in all cars, not just some makes and models
  • enjoying a day at the water park without shame and embarrassment
  • being comfortable in movie theater seats
  • para sailing
  • canoeing
  • white water rafting
  • playing softball again
  • underclothes that fit like they are supposed to
  • taking pictures without trying to hide behind everybody else 
  • picture taking without having to find the best angle for my face not to look fat
  • 5 mile hike at Cade's Cove in Gatlinburg
  • bike riding
  • not choosing the handicap bathroom stall because the others feel to small
  • feeling beautiful even if nobody tells me I am
  • speaking in front of people without wanting to crawl under the podium because I feel like a cow
  • not dreading going to the doctor because I know what they are thinking even if they don't say it.
  • wearing a pretty dress and semi high heels for elegant night on a cruise and being comfortable and confident doing so.
  • not needing a seat belt extender on an airplane
  • not wanting to hide in the locker room at the gym

  • Thank you to all of you have been my cheerleaders and prayer warriors.  I couldn't have made it where I am without God providing me with such an amazing group of people to gather around and lift me up with encouraging words and prayers on the rough days and to cheer for me on the good days!!  Love you all more than words could ever properly say!

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