Tuesday, August 4, 2015

It Was Only Just a Dream.....


Until it wasn't. 

I woke up today thinking - it can't possibly have been a year since I had surgery, but the calendar doesn't lie. I am still in awe every single day that so much about me is new and different and still changing regularly. For a long time I would look in the mirror and it still didn't seem real, but recently I find that when I look in the mirror I don't see the "obese, gross, fat girl" that I always considered myself to be.  In fact, it is interesting that for years I ran from the camera and now I find myself wanting to take pictures all the time.  

    
These pictures were taken one year apart on July 4th, 2014 & 2015.(Look, I have a jawline!)

Crazy what a difference a year makes.  Not only am I healthier physically I am also healthier mentally and emotionally.  Loving yourself is hard when you can't even stand to look at yourself in the mirror.  Loving yourself is much easier when your whole self image is not warped by hating what you see when you look in that mirror.  I hesitate to say that because I don't consider myself to be "caught up in myself" or to think "I'm all that"  but my perspective is no longer clouded by my own negative thoughts about my appearance.  I never could grasp that what I looked like on the outside was not what other people saw when they looked at me.  They always said "we just don't see you that way" and I always thought "Yeah, right!".   My judgement was so skewed, simple logic would have said, why would people think of you that way when you don't think of others that way.  Again, my vision of me was so messed up.  Thankful that thru the process of considering, preparing and having the surgery my vision is much clearer now. My husband even giggled and smiled recently when I mentioned that none of my clothes fit.  I asked why he was giggling and he said "You have never said those words with a smile on your face."  God has been faithful and true!!


Pictures on the left were taken before surgery and the right were taken 1 year later.

After the surgery I spent quite a few months just adjusting to the new me.  Almost daily in the beginning I would notice little things I could do that I hadn't been able to do in many years.  It still happens even now but not quite as often.  I knew I needed to lose more weight because my goal to be under 200 lbs was still out there.  The dream was hanging out on the sidelines but I really felt like I needed an adjustment period to just enjoy life and figure out this new me.  

In May, I realized I was ready to work towards meeting my goal to finally reach "Onederland".  I determined that I would be 199 before the end of 2015.  Funny, because I have made that decision about 100 times in the past 25 years or so and well I never made.  This time something was different, I was different, it seemed reachable for the first time since I was 18 years old I BELIEVE that with God's help I could commit and finally complete the process to make the dream a reality.  

On May 26, 2015, I began to reach for the dream and am now just 14 pounds from reaching Onederland!   I am beyond excited because I can see the goal line and I am running for the touchdown.  

Keep me in your prayers as I continue the journey.  I saw my doctor yesterday and he has "tweaked" my eating plan a bit because I wasn't getting enough of some food groups that he feels are necessary. I am a bit nervous about the changes because the plan has worked so well and don't want to affect the rate of weight loss but I also trust my doctor to know what is best for my health.  I am okay with the rate slowing as long as it doesn't stop.  I refuse to go backwards ever again.  I am a new Robin (as my best friend Wendy always says) and I really really like her.  


Now just a few more photos because I am still in awe of the fact that I am not repulsed by seeing full body shots of myself!  


Kim &  Robin, August 1, 2015

Kim & Robin, August 1, 2015



Re-posting my list of things I dreamed of doing but couldn't. Some are on my bucket list so they may take a while to accomplish.


Key: 
Red = completed
Blue = completed since last post
Black = still on list to complete





The dreams of the skinny girl hiding inside of me...

  • buying clothes off the rack of any store
  • seat belts that fit correctly 
  • ability to wear a seat belt in all cars, not just some makes and models
  • enjoying a day at the water park without shame and embarrassment
  • being comfortable in movie theater seats
  • para sailing
  • canoeing
  • white water rafting
  • playing softball again
  • underclothes that fit like they are supposed to
  • taking pictures without trying to hide behind everybody else 
  • picture taking without having to find the best angle for my face not to look fat
  • 5 mile hike at Cade's Cove in Gatlinburg
  • bike riding
  • not choosing the handicap bathroom stall because the others feel to small
  • feeling beautiful even if nobody tells me I am
  • speaking in front of people without wanting to crawl under the podium because I feel like a cow
  • not dreading going to the doctor because I know what they are thinking even if they don't say it.
  • wearing a pretty dress and semi high heels for elegant night on a cruise and being comfortable and confident doing so.
  • not needing a seat belt extender on an airplane
  • not wanting to hide in the locker room at the gym


  • Thank you to all of you have been my cheerleaders and prayer warriors.  I couldn't have made it where I am without God providing me with such an amazing group of people to gather around and lift me up with encouraging words and prayers on the rough days and to cheer for me on the good days!!  Love you all more than words could ever properly say!




    Wednesday, January 7, 2015

    To Do List.....



    Rock n' Robin September 2014 (Blowfly Inn)
    If felt good to tell my story yesterday.  I mentioned a list of things I dreamed of doing after weight loss.  Today I am posting that list so we can see just how many things I still want to do or have already been accomplished!

    Key: 
    Red = completed
    Black = still on list to complete




    The dreams of the skinny girl hiding inside of me...

    • buying clothes off the rack of any store
    • seat belts that fit correctly 
    • ability to wear a seat belt in all cars, not just some makes and models
    • enjoying a day at the water park without shame and embarrassment
    • being comfortable in movie theater seats
    • para sailing
    • canoeing
    • white water rafting
    • playing softball again
    • underclothes that fit like they are supposed to
    • taking pictures without trying to hide behind everybody else 
    • picture taking without having to find the best angle for my face not to look fat
    • 5 mile hike at Cade's Cove in Gatlinburg
    • bike riding
    • not choosing the handicap bathroom stall because the others feel to small
    • feeling beautiful even if nobody tells me I am
    • speaking in front of people without wanting to crawl under the podium because I feel like a cow
    • not dreading going to the doctor because I know what they are thinking even if they don't say it.
    • wearing a pretty dress and semi high heels for elegant night on a cruise and being comfortable and confident doing so.
    • not needing a seat belt extender on an airplane
    • not wanting to hide in the locker room at the gym
    How exciting!  There are other things that I wanted to do but they somehow didn't make this list, they clearly weren't on my mind at the moment.  So now I will list the things I can do now that I couldn't do before that seem very insignificant to somebody who take for granted that they can do it

    • painting my own toes!
    • tying my shoes 
    • jumping jacks (just because I wanted to be able to, not because I like doing them)
    • sitting in a booth at a restaurant and not having to move the table to fit
    • taking notes or filling out a form using my lap 
    • crossing my legs
    • just plain being comfortable in my own skin
    • not always having to find a wide path in a room full of tables/people
    There is no way to put every thing that has changed into words.  I am beyond thankful that God's plans were better than my own.  I am amazed at how He laid it all out and each piece fit perfectly together.  My life will never be the same.  

    There are still struggles because it was definitely not an instant fix to the food problems. In those times there is this beautiful reminder (my scar) of what God did for me. On bad days He has even reminded me not to lightly esteem (disregard) the the gift that He has given me.  His grace is unending and I will praise, worship and serve Him all the days of my life.  He is the Lord of my life and I am thankful not only for my scar but for the scars that Jesus bore for my healing (spiritually, physically, emotionally).


    Tuesday, January 6, 2015

    The Year 2014 - Caterpillar to Butterfly




    ....as always the year began with lots of positive thoughts and plans. Thinking about how much weight I could lose before cruise #8 and plotting about how to do it and of course its really all about getting healthy and fit right?  Okay, so yes, that is a good motivational tool, my health is important but the plain true reality was I just wanted to feel good about what I see in the mirror and what others see when they look at me. Baby steps were what I needed to find the "real girl" in me and I wasn't even sure what exactly that meant, but God knew exactly what I needed.  So, the journey to find the "New Robin" began.  

    As always, because health is truly important I went to my annual appointment with my "girl doctor".  Unlike most I don't dread this appointment, I actually look forward to it.  The procedure is not comfortable but the encouragement and support I get from my doctor has always given me a lift and motivation to focus on where I want to head that next year with my weight. Over the years she has always been understanding and praised me when I lost and encouraged me to get back on the wagon when I gained. She always reminded me that as long as I kept trying I would succeed, the only way to fail is to quit. In years past she had talked to me about gastric bypass and about lap band and different things she thought could help me lose the weight.   By personal choice I never felt that is was what I was supposed to do.  There were several reasons I felt that way, number one I knew that if I had the surgery and didn't change my habits that just like anything else it would not work.  I had seen others have it, lose the weight and over time gain it back.  I was doing a great job of doing that exact same thing all by myself.  Second reason was that I was terrified of having surgery, the thought of being put under anesthesia and people seeing me NEKKID was beyond frightening, not to mention that pain and I do not get along.   I was always honest and up front about feeling like I had to do it on my own.  (Disclaimer: I do not think that gastric bypass/lap band surgery is wrong in any ways, it was just not right for me.)

    For those of you that haven't known me very long, I managed over many years to lose and keep off around 100 pounds.  I often lost a lot and then gained some back and then lost it again and gained some back, it was a vicious cycle.  But, I never gave up, so even when I gained weight back I always caught myself before I gained it all back. Due to up and down loss of the weight and my body style I had a lot of excess skin and what I not so affectionately referred to as my "hangy downy".  The technical name for it is the panniculus (or apron).    In all reality it was just plain gross and it held me back in every area of my life. Below are pictures of my reality, that I can't even believe I am sharing but for the impact of transformation to be real it is necessary. 



    Now, let's continue with my doctor visit in early January of 2014.  This visit was different, my heart was eager to hear what she had to say.  I was excited because though I had not managed to lose and keep any weight off in 2013, I had actually started the new year at the same weight as the previous year that was huge in my eyes.  

    Wait, there is a another bit of back story before I continue.  At some stage during my weight loss journey I had lost a good bit of weight and was quite comfortable where I was but was beginning to see saggy skin issues in the mirror.  This raised conflicting emotions, for one it looked bad and why in the world was I doing all this work if my body was still going to look bad?  At this time I had never heard about having surgery to remove excess skin and didn't even know how that worked or what it looked like and then there was a day that I was at home sick and watched an episode of Oprah.  This particular episode was all about people who had been obese and had lost all of their weight and wanted to have "skin removal" surgery but could not afford the procedure.  During this episode they showed before and after pictures and I was so completely freaked out by what I saw that I went on an eating frenzy.  It was easier to look at my obese body in the mirror than their awful skin sagging (looked like that hairless cats but with wrinkles,not cute at all) bodies after losing all of the excess weight.  Of course, because it was Oprah she had them on the show to share their stories and surprised them with free skin removal surgeries.  Now you have to remember that I had an extreme fear of surgery so this began another bout of gaining weight because now I was very conflicted about which body was the one I could handle looking at in the mirror for the rest of my life. Next thought was, "Rocky is used to this one and I'm not sure he could deal with one that looked like "that" one".  I never asked his opinion I just assumed.  

    Okay, back to the doctor visit. She came in, praised me for not gaining any weight and did the exam.  During the exam I mentioned some issues I was dealing with due to the "hangy downy" and she prescribed something to help.  This led to a conversation that changed my life.  She told me that she wanted to refer to me a plastic surgeon.  I looked at her like she had grown an extra head.  She kind of laughed and began to explain that I didn't have to do anything but she thought if I went for a consultation it might be the motivation I needed to get back on the weight loss wagon.  In my head, I was like this woman is crazy, but my heart said "she has never steered you wrong".  I cautiously agreed to the consultation.  I went home and told my husband about it but I knew on the inside I wasn't going to go to this appointment.  I also shared with my best friend what my doctor wanted,  I could hear an excitement in her voice and something changed in my heart and my head.  In the course of one conversation with Wendy, I knew life was about to be different.   They called the next week and I had an appointment for sometime in February.  I was not ready but I did not cancel I just asked them to postpone it until after our cruise in March.  New appointment date was March 26, 2014.  

    During those first few months of the year Wendy began a quiet campaign (or maybe not so quiet) towards bringing out this "New Robin".  I am not sure exactly how it happened but I found myself spending more time shopping and looking at shoes, clothes and jewelry.  Clothes shopping created emotional outbursts in dressing rooms so that was not working for me. The shoes I liked were outside of my budget. Suddenly, I felt myself drawn towards accessories and a new love for all things "bling" was born.  It started with earrings and has grown into necklaces and bracelets too, now I rarely leave home without accessories.  We did manage a shopping trip prior to our cruise that ended okay with a few nice dressy blouses to wear on formal nights.  Wendy began dreaming of the day we would shop and I would enjoy it, I still couldn't imagine that could happen in my world.  

    We cruised and had a fabulous time.  Now, it's March and slowly the day is coming and the dreaded appointment is near.  I am starting to reconsider and freaking out because I am still just not sure because I still have so much weight to lose and I watch all these TV shows and know that you have to have lost a certain amount to be a "candidate".  I was going to the appointment expecting to have appeased my doctor.  I knew that I was not walking out of that surgeon's office with any good news but at least then I would have an excuse not to consider surgery.  

    But God.  

    Wendy went with me to the appointment so she could ask all the questions that I would never remember to ask. I was a nervous wreck because I was so embarrassed and ashamed of what the doctor would see because I knew he had to do an exam to be able to tell me he couldn't help me unless I lost at least another 50 - 100 pounds.   From the moment Dr. Mani walked in the door to the exam room I was put completely at ease.  He was kind, considerate and well spoken.  He made me comfortable and never once did I feel ashamed.  In fact, I liked him so much that I hated that I probably wouldn't see him again because I just knew I was not a candidate for this surgery.  After the exam Wendy came back into the room,  all the questions were asked and surprisingly he told me that because I had lost the 100 lbs and for the most part maintained it over the years and because I had been the same weight for the past year that I indeed was a candidate for a "panniculectomy" (removal of the panniculus and the subcataneous fat within it) and we could schedule it and do it immediately.  For a moment I thought I might pass out.  There was a hope that wasn't there before and just as suddenly all I could see was $$$$ in front of my eyes.  I calmed myself and asked the question.  He told me that they would write it up and bring it back in for me momentarily.  When they came back and handed me the paper with the cost there was a peace that could only have come from God.  I looked at Wendy with tears in my eyes and we both knew that I "WAS" going to have this surgery.   I told Dr. Mani that I would have to discuss it with my husband and figure out exactly how we would pay for this surgery but that I would be in touch to schedule the surgery.  

    Rocky and I talked and agreed that I would have the surgery and that God would make a way to pay for the procedure.  I only told a few people because it was so personal and honestly because I was so used to being ashamed of my body and tried never to call attention to it that I kept it on the down low for the most part.  We talked and looked at our calendars and schedules and decided that the best time for both of us would be on August 4, 2014.  Soon thereafter, I was talking to somebody  about the procedure and told her that I knew God was in this from the word go and trusted that it was all going to go smoothly.  She then proceeds to tell me that she had been telling God for months that she wanted to bless somebody with a certain amount of money and that now she knew who to bless.  She paid for my entire surgery (she prefers to remain unnamed). I can never repay her or say thank you enough.  God is faithful.

    During the months leading up to the surgery I spent a lot of time praying and reading His word because as excited as I was I still had this dreadful fear of being put to sleep and the unknown of the "recovery" aspect.  As the time grew closer the fear was less and less.  I found myself looking forward to the entire process and even convinced myself to be thankful during the pain that would likely accompany this type of surgery. I actually had very little pain and again I am thankful!

    Finally, it's August 4, 2014 and I am sitting in the waiting room with my parents, my husband and the ever faithful Wendy Kaye Warren at a ridiculously early hour.  I still can't believe it is happening but I was ready and thankful that God was with me and would care for me and bring me out safe and sound.  I was truly ready to move onto the next step in finding the "New Robin".  They called me back, put me in a gown, gave me some drugs and that is the last thing I remember until about a week later.  Well, there are some things I remember but most of that first week is blurry and vague.  Rocky kept me drugged exactly as prescribed and I am thankful for all the fabulous nursing he did during that first week after the surgery.  

    I was in shock when they told me they had removed 22 pounds of skin & subcataneous fat from my body.  Apparently after the doctor told me I proceed to repeat how that was "alot" over and over again.  I am thankful that I made Rocky & Wendy promise not to take any videos while I was under the influence of any drugs.  They respected my wishes but have regretted it ever since,  they say I was pretty funny and at one point I even made sure my dad knew how sexy I was now.  Really?   Glad I didn't have any deep dark secrets for them to ask about because I clearly would have said anything or told them whatever they wanted to know.   The surgery went perfect, no complications and I was home and in my own bed by about 2:00 p.m.  

    Recovery went smoothly, the incision is not nearly as bad as I thought it would be when I initially saw it.  I remember thinking oh dear that is awful (was like day 2 and still swollen and gross looking but I didn't realize it wouldn't always look like that) but immediately was thankful because I knew how different things were going to be from that point on.  

    At about 3 weeks I was ready to get out and about and NEEDED clothes because nothing in my closet fit anymore.  Wendy scooped me up took me out and we shopped till I about dropped.  It was the first time in my adult life that I didn't cry or get disappointed and even tried on things that were too big!!  I actually enjoyed myself but not as much as she did (I was still moving slow and sore).  It was another new thing for the "New Robin".  
    5 weeks post surgery. Shopping alone with no tears!!


    I began taking note almost immediately of the things I could do now that were either improbable or ridiculously uncomfortable before the surgery.   Here are just a few pictures:

    Laptop on the LAP I have never had!!

    Look...there is space between me and the steering wheel!!

    Yup, that is right I am sitting in a booth and there is more than enough room!!  

    I have a long list of things I dreamed of doing. Some of them have already been accomplished simply from the surgery itself.  Others will be marked off as life and more weight loss makes them possible.  But that is for another day and another post.  If you made it this far then I thank you for taking in interest in my transformation from a caterpillar just going thru life to a butterfly who is choosing to spread my wings and fly! 

    The "New Robin" being footloose and fancy free on the Beach! (Sept 2014)


     






    Friday, July 26, 2013

    Today is the day.....

    ....my first weigh in and I lost 6 pounds.   It felt good to not fear the scale this morning, because I knew no matter what it said, I had done what I needed to do to start my path to a healthier me.  I've been up and down so much in the past 3 years that I am not sure I've lost weight 2 weeks in a row since I started the gradual uphill climb, but I am determined, my mind is set and my feet are steadfastly planted on the ground.  I will continue to progress this coming week.  This week I will continue to work out at least 3 times a week, cardio and strength and stay within 1500 calories per day.  

    Thank you God for never leaving or forsaking, for being that small still voice that never fails to remind me that I can do all things thru Christ who strengthens me and that I can cast my cares upon you because you care for me.   You are faithful and I am blessed beyond measure because of your love, grace and mercy towards me. 

    Thursday, July 25, 2013

    Tomorrow...

    ...is my first weigh in and I'm excited and nervous.  I'm choosing today not to be moved regardless of what it says.  I've noticed the older I get the harder it seems to make the scale move, but I know I've been dedicated to the plan and I've put in the work and I feel good so that is what I will focus on.  

     

    Wednesday, July 24, 2013

    Five days down.....

    .....221 days to go!  I found a you tube video of the Sky Course on the ship and it motivated me instead of freaking me out.  This is progress, its nice when my head and  heart are both linked with God at the same time.  I'm not sure exactly what I thought a ropes course 8 feet off the ground would consist of but I was surprised.  Instead of being discouraged by what I could not accomplish today I have decided to keep moving forward so I will be prepared and ready to conquer it!  Reminding myself that God says He made me more than a conqueror (Romans 8:37). 






    Last night I was watching a weight loss reality show and was so emotionally moved by the struggles this woman faced in her life that I wanted to crawl into the TV and poke somebody's eyes out.  There is a way to encourage and motivate somebody to be all they can be and its not by tearing them down and pointing out their flaws.   

    The trainer on this show is so compassionate and real and allows himself to connect to his clients to the place where you can see that he truly cares.  He inspires me to go for my dream, to follow in his footsteps.  The next 221 days are about getting myself ready to follow this new dream of becoming a personal trainer who cares about the people she is working with, not just the paycheck.   

    The client on this episode also reminded me how easy it is to fall even when you've had great success.  I've fallen into that trap more times than I can count.  I am praying that God will keep me alert and focused and that when I stumble along the path I wont fall,  I will call upon Him to regain my balance and continue on the right path.  I'm exhausted from all of the rabbit trails I have followed over the years.  The past 5 days have been peaceful. When you are on the right path there is hope and rest because there is no guilt or shame hanging around your neck.   

    Look out world, the Robin God intended me to be is emerging and I think you are going to like her!!

     

    Monday, July 22, 2013

    Recurring Dreams...

    Reminding myself of the dreams of the skinny girl hiding inside of me...

    • buying clothes off the rack of any store
    • seat belts that fit correctly without being manipulated
    • ability to wear a seat belt in all cars, not just some makes and models
    • enjoying a day at the water park without shame and embarrassment
    • being comfortable in movie theater seats
    • para sailing
    • canoeing
    • white water rafting
    • playing softball again
    • underclothes that fit like they are supposed to
    • taking pictures without trying to hide behind everybody else 
    • picture taking without having to find the best angle for my face not to look fat
    • 5 mile hike at Cade's Cove in Gatlinburg
    • bike riding
    • running a 5k (not walking)
    • not choosing the handicap bathroom stall because the others feel to small
    • feeling beautiful even if nobody tells me I am
    • speaking in front of people without wanting to crawl under the podium because I feel like a cow
    • not dreading going to the doctor because I know what they are thinking even if they don't say it.
    • wearing a pretty dress and semi high heels for elegant night on a cruise and being comfortable and confident doing so.
    • not needing a seat belt extender on an airplane
    • not wanting to hide in the locker room at the gym
    • changing clothes in the gym and not doing it in the bathroom stall (not that i would necessarily but i'd like to be comfortable doing so if i did)
    • Sky Course on Carnival Sunshine