Confession is good for....

......WHAT?????????? public humiliation, outing yourself as a complete failure, making you feel better because you've owned up to your idiocy? Supposedly the consensus is that confession is good for the soul. So, let's go with that choice, since I prefer not to put myself in the position of being humiliated, being a failure or feeling like an idiot, I'll choose to have it be good for my soul.

I'm certain that by this point you are likely wondering just how much food I ate and how much weight I managed to gain in 1 weeks time? Would I be right? Of course I am, I mean this blog is an outlet for me to use on this journey that sometimes seems to have a life of its own.

Apparently, my reality is that I do not even need a reason, or stress or some major drama going on or around me to opt to just take 1 week out of my otherwise normal eating life and turn it into an all out PIGFEST! Yes, that is exactly what I did. I'm not sure I even signed in to Weight Watchers last week. Maybe once, but I do not believe that on that day I actually ate what I planned or put into my food tracker. In fact, I probably did eat what I tracked plus a good bit more. In the past I've always had something to blame for my binges, not this time. I truly can't put my finger on any one thing that could have triggered it, other than simply feeling like I was getting somewhere and had reached a new milestone and it was only going to take a 1 pound loss to be out of the 270's.

This makes me wonder, why do I freak about succeeding? Success feels good. Yet, it seems everytime I get to a new lower set of numbers, for some reason self sabotage sets in. What on the inside of me doesn't think I deserve to feel good about me? What makes me tick? If only I could answer these questions and get to the bottom of why, maybe then I could overcome and reach my goal of being healthy and happy with me. When I look at my life there is no reason for me to feel unworthy or undeserving of succeeding at weight loss. I am blessed with an amazing husband, I am constantly reminded who I am in Christ, I have a wonderful supportive family, a church that lifts me up continually and pastors that love me, respect me and always speak truth into my life. Considering all of these things, there is still a foothold that I need set free from.

Lord, help me to see where I'm missing it and how to walk in "being an overcomer by the blood of the Lamb and the word of my testimony". Father, you are always faithful to perform Your word and I am thankful that I know that when I seek You, I will find my answer. I thank You for Your guidance and leading as I go to Your Word to receive the truth to be set free. I am in awe of your love and ability to continually forgive and never give up on me, in Jesus Name, AMEN

Now, with all of this said, I also want you to know that I am not throwing a pity party, I will not continue on the path that I walked on last week. I will own up to gaining 5 pounds and that I tried to manipulate the system and failed. I am changing my wiegh in day to Monday, because now I will not give myself permission to do what I want (as long as I'm careful, HA) on the weekend because then I have 5 days to recover before weigh in. This way of thinking was not helping me make lifetime changes, just causing me to eat much less on the days after eating to much, so that I'd at least show a small loss or that I maintained. Only fooling myself, sigh.

One thing learned from this is that I realize that I will have failures, I will have weeks where I throw caution to the wind and blow it completely. What I have also found is that just because I have a bad week does not mean that I should have 2 bad weeks, then 3 bad weeks and then eventually end up in worse shape than when I started. So, for me this is progress. To keep going is progress, to not beat myself up is progress. To have to deal with gaining 5 pounds and not going directly to McDonalds for a bacon cheese biscuit and hashbrown to make myself feel better is HUGE PROGRESS!!

Taking a glance at the big picture, I'm not a failure, or an idiot, or a hopeless cow, I'm a woman on a journey that has many paths that seem to all lead back to the main road if I stay focused on my destination. Most importantly, I have to rely on God and not on myself.